“It won’t last”
“You’ll be so bored on nights out”
“One of you will stray”
“Why would you want to ruin the uni experience?”
I can pretty much guarantee everybody who has come to university whilst in a long-distance relationship has heard at least one of those, if not all. So, is it actually possible? Is it worth it? In my opinion, absolutely.
I started dating my boyfriend in April 2019 (towards the end of sixth form). We had no idea if we were going to stay together or if he was even coming to the UK for uni so it was a weird, unsettling time. When we eventually moved to the UK from Dubai, we knew we wanted to stay together so we agreed to try, even though we hadn’t been together for very long and we’d heard all the long-distance horror stories.
So, how did we manage to make it work? How did we keep a relationship between a medical student and a law student going when we were approx. 128 miles apart?
(1) Be realistic
You won’t see each other as often as you want to. The quicker you accept that, the easier it’ll be. Sit down together and discuss how often you can realistically see each other, taking into account travel costs, travel time, course demands, extracurricular activities, and anything else that may be relevant.
In first year, I probably saw my boyfriend like once a month. Usually it was me going to see him because he had more contact hours than me so we’d just take turns paying for the coach or train tickets and I’d pack my bags and go stay for a few days. The summer after first year, we discussed it and realised that probably wasn’t a long-lasting option. It was expensive and time-consuming and honestly, I was exhausted having to pack up my stuff and travel each month in addition to sometimes going home.
We agreed that we would prefer to see each other less frequently but for longer periods, so like a week instead of a long weekend.
(2) Ignore everyone
Nobody else’s opinions matter when it comes to your relationship. Who cares that Jake thinks you guys will last less than a month as long distance? Or that Amy thinks you’ll regret it when you can’t hook up with people on a night out? In the nicest way possible, their views and completely and utterly irrelevant.
Ignore everyone and just tune into your own feelings. If you’re truly happy in your relationship, you won’t regret it. Even if you guys break up at some point, you can look back at your time doing long distance knowing that it is what you wanted in that moment.
(3) Trust and communication are key
If you don’t trust your partner, you are probably going to struggle a lot with long distance. Knowing that your partner is out clubbing and drinking with flatmates or course mates, surrounded by people hooking up with strangers, is not a fun feeling.
Even if you do trust your partner, there will probably always be that tiny part of your mind wondering ‘what if’, especially since you have no reason to trust the people they are with.
The best way to build trust in your relationship? Communication. Talk about uni, talk about distance, talk about other people, talk about commitment. Don’t avoid topics that are awkward or uncomfortable. Make your feelings and your boundaries clear from the get-go.
(4) Get comfortable with video calls (or phone calls)
Since you’re not seeing each other as often, you’ll likely rely on video calling or phone calling to talk to each other. My boyfriend and I prefer video calls because we can actually see each other that way. For us, we are pretty much on Facetime whenever we are both at home, we just prop our phones up while we talk, study, eat etc. Sometimes we mute our mics and just get on with our own thing, just catching up every now and then but knowing that the other person is there.
If Facetime isn’t your vibe, maybe phone calls are. If you guys aren’t as needy as us (!), maybe you just talk over text during the day. Whatever your vibe is, be comfortable with the communication and just talk! I would also say maybe have a conversation about your expectations before uni – if one of you wants to talk all day, every day and the other just wants to talk a couple times a week… it’s not gonna be smooth-sailing!
(5) Share the load
Long-distance relationships take extra work, logistically speaking. If only one half of the relationship is putting in the extra work, it’ll probably fall apart. So split the work, in whatever way works for you. For us, I tend to travel to him more often because of study commitments. Since travel is expensive, he pays for a lot of my tickets. Sometimes he has a lot of work to do when I’m there (med school is hard, who knew?), so I bring my work and we do it together. If you feel like you’re putting in all the effort, have a conversation about it and see what needs to change.
(6) Don’t freak out when things get tough
When you’ve had half the population tell you that your relationship won’t last, every argument, every disagreement, and every cancelled plan feels a hundred times worse. When you argue and you can’t just kiss and make up like you do in-person, it feels like the world is falling apart. Plus, communicating online can lead to lots of miscommunication and misunderstanding tone. But the world is not falling apart and neither are you! Take a step back, breathe, and try to talk to them as close to face-to-face as possible – whether that means catching a train or opening up Facetime.
(7) Make the most of the time you spend together
Whenever you do get to see each other, try and make the most of it! Go on date nights, watch movies, eat good food etc. It doesn’t have to be expensive either, it can be a picnic in the park or hiring out those e-scooters and soaring around the city. Save up for birthdays and try to do something exciting like a weekend away. Make up for all the time you wanted to spend together but couldn’t because of the distance. Put your phones on silent and just enjoy every minute before you have to go back home.
(8) If it feels like a chore, it’s probably not meant to be
Here’s some tough love for you. When I say long-distance relationships take extra work, I mean they take more planning and saving for travel and more time on the phone. I don’t mean that they should drain you of all your energy or leave you miserable 99% of the time. If your relationship feels like a chore that you need to ‘complete’ each day via a phone call or each month via a visit, then it’s not working. If it feels as though you are miserable more often than you’re happy, then it’s not working. That doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other enough, sometimes things just happen that way.
Don’t be afraid to let nature run its course and end things if you need to. It doesn’t mean that everyone was right and that long-distance never works. It doesn’t mean you guys weren’t ‘strong’ enough or that your relationship wasn’t serious enough. Things happen. Life happens.
If you’re going to take one thing away from this blog – do what makes you happy. If that’s a relationship, great. If it’s not, great. Just do whatever it is that makes you want to get up in the morning!
---- Allana Bennison, Head of Welfare
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