TW: discussions of sexual assault, sexual harassment.
While the news outlets constantly discuss the Covid-19 pandemic, let me bring your attention to another very real pandemic; sexual harassment and rape culture in our society. For centuries rape culture has been built up upon misogynistic ideas perpetuating sexual assault and harassment in many people’s everyday life. Only in recent years have the media shed light on this very real issue, but more importantly more individuals have been able to share their experiences with friends, family and the world.
Being an ally to someone who has experienced something like that can be traumatic and at times straight up difficult to process. My experiences of being an ally have taught me various things about not only survivors coping techniques but also allowed me to research myself and understand what it means to go through that.
As an ally it’s important to understand that your confidante has gone through a severe traumatic experience and that your reaction could very well set the path of how they deal with that. I know it might be obvious, but be kind and respectful, every human is different so some people might cope in a completely different way to how you might think of coping. There is no definite answer of what to do when supporting someone but here are a few guidance points in being a good ally.
Number one: Do not victim blame.
Again something that you might think is obvious but to many survivors happens every other day. It is understandable that you will have a million and one questions when a friend discusses something like that and it's natural to get caught up in those, however asking those questions at a vulnerable time for them is not what they need in a friend. Remember that they have come to you specifically and it would take a lot of courage to open up about a violation like that, so be respectful and comforting rather than questioning their actions or decisions.
Number two: Make sure to uphold their trauma and truth.
Do not compare it to other traumatic experiences or something you’ve seen on the news that you might think is worse. That is simply invalidating their experience and emotion and most likely to lead them to shut off from discussing it further. All forms of sexual assault and violence are deeply damaging, so comparing their trauma is simply downgrading it.
Number three: Try and keep your emotions out of the way while dealing with theirs.
The victim’s emotions in these situations are key when helping to support them and it's normal to feel angered or upset when hearing that someone you care about has been violated in any way. But releasing any of your emotions onto a friend who is already emotionally or physically vulnerable is damaging in the long run. The chances that you might know the perpetrator are extremely high and this can occasionally stop people from supporting the victim. If a friend comes to you in this situation, do not jump the gun and stop supporting them because you know the person they are discussing. Listen and support them as they will need you the most
Number four: Keep it confidential.
If a friend has come to you discussing any sort of trauma, it goes without saying that it should not be discussed further without their permission. Many friends, including myself once upon a time, have wanted to help report the person and make sure they pay for what they’ve done, but you must remember that this is not your call. Even if you think that it would be the right thing to do, it is your friend who has experienced it and therefore it is them and them alone who can decide whether they wish to report. Reporting is a complicated process which is traumatic and can take years to reach a decision. You must respect their choice, whatever they decide, and uphold it.
Sexual assault is not an easy thing to comfort and being there for someone going through that is not a gentle experience, but it is important that you try and comfort theme with anything they need or want. It can be distressing and emotional talking about it but try and start the conversation when you can and listen when it is required.
We should all want to be allies to those who have suffered, even if it is uncomfortable. We have to strive to break down rape culture collectively by discussing issues surrounding consent and building friendships based on trust and security in those situations means that the perpetuation of rape culture is ending. Honest conversations must be had in order to heal and educate ourselves about consent and sexual assault.
We must listen. We must be patient. We must stop victim blaming and we must call people out. That is the only way we can be true allies to those who are going through that.
---- Laila Ahmed, Head of Welfare
