In the early months of 2021 I noticed that it had been a while since my last period – probably around six months. I called my doctor’s surgery and had a telephone consultation. I was asked about any other symptoms such as acne and excessive body hair, as these may be indicators of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I had my bloods tested and an internal ultrasound which both led my doctors to draw the same conclusion – I have PCOS. They could see that my testosterone levels were high and that there were cysts sitting on my ovaries. It was a lengthy process to get to the point where a doctor actually confirmed this for me. Due to the ongoing pandemic there were long waits for test results and appointments and I was mostly chasing everything up for myself. I was also really worried during this process that some doctors may not take my symptoms seriously. It’s no secret that many men in the medical field have a gender bias when it comes to acknowledging women’s pain levels and the severity of their symptoms – especially in regards to periods. Luckily for me, I mostly avoided these issues.
After that final call I wasn’t really sure how to feel; it’s a complicated thing to process. Of course there was no life-threatening illness causing my menstruation cycle to go haywire. But at the same time, PCOS can have a number of effects on the lives of the people it afflicts. These can include type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, and fertility problems. There is no one treatment for polycystic ovaries, as it is not a curable condition. Instead, doctors look to help you treat the symptoms. Acne, excessive body hair, and irregular periods can be tackled with prescribed medication or drugstore products. The real scary thing about this diagnosis, however, is the possibility of being unable to have children. At the time I was diagnosed I was only 20 years old and very much focused on getting my degree and starting a career. Even now, almost a year after being diagnosed, I don’t know whether this condition will have any of these impacts on my future. What it has done for me, though, is make me think about what I may want for myself and how I can better take care of myself.
I suffer with quite a lot of anxiety, usually with worries about the future and about decisions I’m making that will lead to big changes in my life. So, naturally, something like this was really not a fun thing to be faced with. However, one good thing about my anxiety is that I can cope with it by staying in control of the things that I can. I know from past experiences that the pill doesn’t really work well for me. I get that it could help to regulate my periods, but it also messed with my hormones and made my anxiety even more intense. I decided that this wasn’t worth sacrificing my mental health for, and the pill sits in my bedside drawer in case I ever want to start taking it again.
The other main symptoms I have are acne and dark body hair. These are insecurities that I’ve faced all throughout secondary school. A small part of me was happy to have a reason for my body to have these flaws. But now I don’t see it that way. I resent the standard that women are held to in the media and I wish that I hadn’t wasted so many years of my adolescence being worried that boys wouldn’t find me attractive if I didn’t meet said standards. The stigma surrounding women’s body hair is rooted in sexism and problematic attempts to infantilise women to make them appear more desirable. I’m grateful for my diagnosis of PCOS because that’s what led me to examine the reasons why I was so ashamed to be seen with hair on my legs or underarms. This isn’t to say that I never remove my body hair now, but when I do I don’t feel as though I’m necessarily doing it with the same fears as my 15-year-old self.
When I initially called the doctors to see what was going on with my menstrual cycle, I did suspect that I may have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I have someone in my life close to my own age who actually suffers from it as well, so I’d already heard of the condition. She chose to have a baby because she knew that was something that she wanted for herself. It’s really comforting for me to have someone in my life who knows exactly what the process is like and how this condition can make you feel. Even more than that, knowing she was still able to get pregnant gives me some hope that I might have that option if and when I want to decide to start a family. My mind often drifts to the worst-case scenario in situations like this and so when I first found out, I was worried that I may have that choice taken away from me. Even though I’m only young and I don’t even know if I want children, to potentially have something out of my control take that option off the table is a terrible prospect. Still, I’m trying to focus on my life as it is right now instead of worrying about things that I can’t change.
I don’t want this to come across all doom and gloom. There are plenty of ways for someone to have children. You could go through fertility treatments, IVF, use a surrogate, or adopt. There is even a procedure that can temporarily destroy the tissue which is causing the fertility issues. Of course, some of these methods are more invasive than others, and each of them will have their pros and cons. Being in your 20s tends to come with a lot of pressure, both internal and external. Suddenly everything seems to be happening very fast and you feel the need to make a million decisions about your future when there really is no rush. If I’ve learned anything from speaking to family and friends about this condition and others like it, it’s that you don’t have to do something about it right away. Yes, if you know what you want then you can go for it. But this isn’t the case for me, and I’m working on just being content for now with knowing why my body acts the way it does.
---- Emily Little, Guest Blogger
