‘Come visit *insert name of literally any South Asian country* and experience our ancient traditions, immerse yourself in our heritage and become engrossed in our rich culture’.
This is what a typical travel brochure targeted at a western tourist would look like. But the word ‘culture’ can mean different things, depending on who you are. To the western traveller planning their next trip to South Asia, ‘culture’ means colourful clothes, exotic food and lavish religious festivals. To the typical South Asian woman who has been told what she can and cannot do since birth, culture is just another form of repression to control her every move. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love most elements of our vibrant South Asian culture. But when culture is weaponised to control a woman, her body, her choices and her life? No. I refuse to stand by that.
‘Rape can be stopped only with culture, not with good governance’.
These are the words of a leading Indian politician. I am pretty sure that the problem here is blatantly evident. But let me humour you for a second with a few questions that are popularly asked when a rape occurs in the South Asian community.
‘Why was she wearing a miniskirt?’.
Justification: A woman who dresses modestly respecting her culture cannot tempt rapists. Obviously.
‘Why was she out at midnight?’
Justification: ‘No decent girl who has been brought up with good cultural values would ever be outside past 5pm’. Duh.
‘Why was she drunk?’
Justification: DRUNK? A girl of a good cultural background would NEVER consume alcohol. This is not even up for debate.
Have you noticed how none of these questions address the actual problem? That a woman was raped, by a rapist due to no fault of her own? No. South Asian Society and the judicial system for that matter, are far too busy blaming the woman and deciding if she deserved to be raped because her appearance and behaviour were not in line with what is practiced in their culture.
But wait. It gets worse. Women who have survived rape are often discouraged from seeking legal action because…wait for it…IT WILL BRING SHAME UPON HER FAMILY IF PEOPLE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS RAPED. The victim’s mental and physical health are side-lined as the family’s reputation is prioritised above everything else. It goes without saying that a woman’s prospects for marriage falls to zero once word gets out that she is no longer a virgin. When will our society understand that culture is not a solution to crime?
‘WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?’
Nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY, doesn’t matter if you are a boy or girl, is safe from this dreaded question when an Aunty corners you at an “intimate” family wedding of at least 500 people. Every South Asian is familiar with the term ‘Aunty’. But let me clarify it for our non-South Asian readers. An Aunty is typically a nosey, older woman who is not really related to you and has no business being all up in your business, but for some unexplained reason she is ALWAYS up in everybody’s business. I almost forgot to mention. Asking personal questions relating to marriage, babies, salary, anything that you don’t want to make public knowledge, is second nature in South Asian culture.
It’s another deeply ingrained habit of South Asian culture for people to assume that every woman wants to get married and make babies the minute she turns 25. Our society does not stop to think that maybe a woman has other aspirations for her life. Or maybe…just maybe she simply does not want to get married at all. But this is almost impossible for our society to digest. And don’t even get me started on how older women (and by older women, I mean women who have JUST turned 30) are considered to be undesirable for marriage because their body clock is running out of time to make babies. Moreover, the highly discriminatory search for ‘fair-skinned, slim, virgin’ brides in the matrimony sections in newspapers, where women are advertised like cattle for sale is not just offensive but makes me question humanity in general. Thus, unless you fulfil that exclusive list of expectations, the chances of securing what one would consider a “good marriage” by south Asian standards are pretty slim.
Of course there are women in South Asian communities who live a life of wedded bliss after marriage, but this is not the case for most. Soon after marriage, a South Asian woman is expected to leave behind everything she ever knew in her sheltered life to go and live with her husband and new in-laws. Considering the popularity of arranged marriages in South Asia a woman will most likely have met her husband just a handful of times before marriage – so much for being told not to talk to strangers when you were young. I have heard countless stories of young women quitting their jobs soon after they are married, to accommodate their husband’s needs or simply because their new in-laws don’t like her working. I am yet to hear of a story where the roles are reversed. The hypocrisy in it all is that in our culture, men (or rather their parents) search for smart, well-educated women as wives, just to expect them to give up their aspirations and resign into being shy, soft-spoken housewives whose only job is to cook, clean and support the family.
DIVORCE
Almost a dirty word in South Asian communities. Something that could easily tarnish the reputation of a woman and her family. It doesn’t matter if you have an abusive husband. It doesn’t matter if your in-laws treat you worse than a slave. It doesn’t matter if you are unhappy in your marriage. You, as a woman are expected to compromise. And by compromise, I mean that a woman is expected to keep her head down and tolerate her toxic marriage. You are forbidden from complaining. It’s your duty as a good wife.
There are instances where a bride’s parents refuse to allow her to move back home after a divorce. Ashamed that their daughter got divorced. Ashamed that she broke apart her family. Ashamed about what people will say. In reality, they should be proud. Proud that she said NO. Proud that she decided that her marriage doesn’t define her. Proud that she was strong enough to walk out of a toxic situation.
‘WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?’
These are the four words that South Asians abide by like it’s the law. These four words have crushed a million hopes and shattered a million dreams. And why, you ask? It is because South Asian culture has an unhealthy obsession with what other people think. These people are not even people that matter. It could be your neighbour, the mailman or that Aunty you haven’t seen in ten years. It’s just a game of keeping up appearances, a competition to the top.
Whose daughter has the fairest skin?
Whose daughter graduated at the top of her class?
Whose daughter’s husband makes the most money?
But God forbid if;
The daughter has a tattoo and wears a bikini because what will people say?
The daughter marries outside her cast and religion because what will people say?
The daughter is a part of the LGBTQ community
…OH THE HORROR…WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?
There you have it. The seedy underbelly of South Asian Culture. And there is so much more. They don’t put that on the travel brochures do they? This ‘culture’ is obsessed with maintaining a ‘good reputation’ while prioritising what society thinks. But does this ‘culture’ stop to listen to the helpless cries of the women at home? The women who have been taught to tolerate the snarky comments, harassment and years of abuse? No it does not. All it does, is create expectations for a woman to make everyone else happy at the cost of her happiness, just because ‘its in our culture’.
Listen up ladies. It’s high time that we break the shackles of ‘culture’ that society has forced upon us.
Culture will not get you out of your abusive marriage. Divorce will.
Culture will not make you financially independent. A job will.
Culture will not make you happy. Doing what you want will.
But what will people say? WHO CARES?
---- Draupadi Senanayake, Guest Blogger
