TW – Mental health and discussion on Borderline Personality
Before I begin with this week’s topic, I wanted to say thank you for the kind messages and support I have received for my last blog. I must admit, when I began writing this, I was terrified I would receive a lot of hate for having BPD. But I was taken aback by all the people who wanted to learn more or could relate to what I was saying. So, thank you.
Originally this week, I was going to write about validation,which is an incredibly common reasoning behind BPD behaviours. But after my whirlwind weekend, I decided it would be better to write about this instead. Because I think this story is going to give everyone a little hope.
Do you remember those really cliché terms ‘good things come to those who wait’ and ‘if you love something set it free, and if it comes back, it’s yours’? Well, as someone who suffers from control issues due to BPD and cannot be patient to save her life, I have always hated them. The thought of sitting and waiting for something used to make me feel physically sick. The thought of not being in control of situations used to make my heart feel heavy and palms sweat. However, if this weekend has taught me anything about myself and BPD, it’s letting go brings rewards.
Previously in my relationship, I used to go crazy about control, to the point where if I didn’t feel like I was in control,I would have a breakdown. I remember the countless times I felt vulnerable and anxious, which caused me to lash out and express my emotions in unhealthy ways. I couldn’t let go of things that I couldn’t control, so I would project whatever insecurity the lack of control gave me onto other people. I would love to say that as soon as the relationship was over, I saw the error of my ways and I learnt to let go immediately. Unfortunately, I’m painting an honest account of my BPD journey, so sadly this was not the case at first. The insecurity I experienced in the first few weeks was crippling. I would catastrophise every little thing I heard, or saw, or pretended I knew, to the point my life stood still. I also used to beat myself up because I knew that if I had been diagnosed during the relationship and had some sort of understanding of why I acted in certain ways, I would’ve checked myself like I do now.
But is there any point hyper focusing on trying to control impossible things, to the point you drive yourself into depression? No. The art of letting go may seem abstract and complicated. However, if you take a step back from what seems like a messy and confusing concept, you see just how much letting go can change everything. So having let go, this weekend my dreams finally came true. Now I know it sounds cheesy and cringe but after waiting over a month, I was finally able to see my boyfriend.
What I wanted most was for him to understand my actions and I wanted the opportunity to apologise for all the things I did when I was feeling vulnerable. When we were in the no contact phase, the lack of control I had over whether I would get this opportunity was unbearable. But I realised that if tried to control the situation (to the point I was ready to message him on Depop), then I wouldn’t learn from my past behaviours. Trying to control the situation made me a controlling person.
To hear him say he forgave me was surreal to say the least. Forgiveness is so important when it comes to growth in recovery. But asking for forgiveness from others is a form of validation which can be unhealthy. Whilst I stood on the banks of Canary Wharf, thinking that I would wake up in my bed any second, I realised that I needed to forgive myselfbecause that was crucial to letting go.
Now, if you are in the wrong, please apologise to those you hurt. Remember the difference between being sincere and asking for validation, is to say you’re sorry rather than ask for forgiveness, because sometimes people will choose not to forgive you and that’s okay. Always remember that damage control after ‘BPD mode’ is crucial, and this includes checking in with yourself and forgiving yourself too. I used to be a control freak and if someone didn’t forgive me, or I felt like there was no positive closure to a situation, I would lose my mind. But we have the power to give ourselves our own closure and our own validation.
When you forgive yourself, you shouldn’t sit and dwell on your mistakes and ask yourself ‘what if?’ Instead of dwelling, learn from what you’ve done and grow. Say to yourself, ‘I can’t change what happened and I can’t control what others do, I can only learn from my mistakes and make sure that I do not do that again’. The best thing I did, was let go of the things I couldn’t control and just focus on the things that I could.
Now I know what you’re thinking… ‘how on earth do I let go’? I found writing a list of things I wanted to achieve was a great place to start, and this can range from going to the gym in an evening, to getting a first in a specific essay. Write every goal that you have on a piece of paper and then cross out the ones that you can’t really control. These will be things that rely on other people’s reactions. Break down these goals and see if there is anything you might do. From my breakup, I learnt the best thing that I could do was give it time and reflect on my behaviour. Trying to control that situation showed I was still showing love in an unhealthy way.
I realised that no matter what happened with my now-again boyfriend, I would still have to check my behaviour and learn how to control my BPD symptoms. Being able to visualise goals and tasks at hand is important when you have BPD, because it allows you to put into perspective what’s worth putting time and energy into. I know it’s hard to let go when you have BPD, but it’s the kindest thing that you can do for yourself during recovery and after. Learn how to find your own closure and take back control of your emotions.
So going back to that stupid little phrase, ‘if you love someone set them free’, that’s exactly what I did. And now I’m faced with the whole ‘coming back’ scenario, and I’ll be honest I did not expect to get that far. I was ecstatic, I was over the moon, I could not contain my happiness and when I left my boyfriend in the pouring rain, I could not get rid of the smile on my face. This felt like a huge win for me given the struggles I’d had during my relationship and recovery.
But recovery does not stop here. It’s very easy for people with BPD to assume that once they have achieved their goals everything is okay, and we go back to a state of naïve bliss. But this time, I’m not doing that, because moving forward means making sure that those lessons you’ve learnt come with you and you genuinely change for the better.
Using control as a method to protect yourself is not okay.Recovery has taught me the importance of openly communicating emotions, whilst distancing oneself frominsecurities to stop projecting them onto loved ones. Remember that most things said are not meant as an attack or to hurt. Which is why now, I find myself laughing at things that were said post breakup instead of breaking down and convincing myself that my boyfriend hated me.
Learn to let go and laugh because those two things changed the way I saw situations and my reactions. There is power in learning to walk away from situations and ideas that make you worse. Remember that we’re trying to change our behaviours into healthier ones, so hold yourself accountable. Don’t put you or your loved ones in a cage.
I really hope this week helped. If you’d like to see anything specific, have any questions or want to share your story, please get in touch with IHH.
—-—- Tasha Hardaker, President
