TW: Discussions of racism.
I haven’t ever really wanted to write an honest account of what it’s like to be mixed race out of fear of what people would say. By no means is this a piece playing a victim in society, because quite frankly, I see everything I have gone through as a lesson to be learnt and a strength gained. But I have often been quite confused as to where I should ‘fit’ in society and I think my exploration of finding my perfect box, like so many others, is what I wanted to share with you today.
My mum grew up in rural India before she moved to the UK when she was 16. Academically brilliant, my mum went to LSE to study economics after running away from home to avoid arranged marriages and be with my dad (straight out some dramatic Bollywood movie I know). My dad was the polar opposite to my mum in many ways. He grew up in a pub with his three siblings and left school at 15 to join the navy. In 1989, when they were married, mixed race couples were not a social norm and they unfortunately lost a lot of friends and overcame racist adversity, even from family members. One thing my parents promised to do, is raise my brother and I in a household which encompassed the ‘best of both worlds’, combining both English and Indian tradition. I loved my cultural upbringing because I had such a rounded view of the world and culture as a result. I got to celebrate Christmas and eat as much stuffing as I wanted whilst I also celebrated Diwali in my favourite Sari.
I grew up in a multicultural city where I assumed many would be ‘colour blind’. I never classified myself as anything other than ‘British’, given the fact I’ve lived here my whole life. But despite my basic white girl tendencies to drink Starbucks and listen to Taylor Swift in the shower, this wasn’t enough to fit in with the White-middle class private school I attended. Although there were a couple ethnic minorities scattered through the years at school, it was pretty whitewashed.
I remember once, and this will always stick with me, one of my teachers asked me if I was from ‘a third world country’ because I was eating chips and dunking them in ketchup with my hands. Shocking I know, who eats chips with their fingers? Unfortunately, this wasn’t new to me, even in primary school I remember Indian girls being bullied because their lunch boxes smelt like curry.
What I didn’t realise about high school, until I got to Warwick, is that I had to cut out my Asian heritage because it wasn’t really accepted. Where I went to school, although no one was explicitly racist to me, racism existed. I look at the hierarchy of my school and remember the lack of diversity in management, the clear absence of ethnic minority teachers. However, cleaning and cooking staff for example, came from a host of different countries.
I remember a lovely man who used to clean after school from India and Mauritius. We used to chat about the culture, and the food and his kids. Others tended to ignore him unfortunately. It was the only time I embraced my heritage because it was the only time people were open to hear about my culture. Although it’s sad to look back on, it’s taught me to stay true to myself no matter who I’m surrounded by. I didn’t just have to tone down my culture at high school, I toned down a lot myself until I became a shallow version, so desperate to fit in and be accepted.
When it comes to talking about your culture it’s nice to have role models around you to help you understand where you come from and how they’ve navigated their culture whilst living in a Western environment. So, before you introduce yourself to the world, talk to relatives and whoever else you feel comfortable discussing things with.
I had hoped University would offer me a cultural awakening. I was so eager to make ‘Asian friends’ I could eat Indian junk food and watch Bollywood movies with. In my freshers week I went to an India soc social to do just that, and I was greeted with judgement, as my pair of jeans and t-shirt did not meet the elegance and beauty of the traditional Indian dress everyone else was wearing. I never went back there after I was greeted with ‘You know this is India soc, right?’.
However, I would say embrace your cultural heritage in some way and introduce it to people who love and accept you. You don’t have to go looking for people to be cultural with because it’s so lovely to share aspects of yourselves with loved ones. I used to surprise my boyfriend with Indian junk food when he was studying, so we could have a break and I could share part of me with him.
I’m sure my English-Asian friends out there can agree, when you are raised in an Asian household in England, many of your values stem from Eastern culture. So, when I was living in Rootes in my first year, the thought of going out every night was very new to me, because it’s something that was really frowned upon by my family growing up. I didn’t really fit in with the party culture of my old flat, and when I tried to keep up and have fun with them, they thought I was ‘going off the rails’. There used to be times where I felt peer pressured to go out and I knew that my mum would say no automatically. I was often put in difficult situations where I’d either be asked to lie to my mum or my friends would think I’m boring. There is no winning when you’re trying to fit in with people. I was too white for the Indian kids and too brown for the white kids.
When you’ve grown up with rules, remember to communicate with your friends and family. Decide what you feel comfortable doing and discuss these with your parents to see if you can compromise on things. I was worried when I initially chatted to my mum, but she was incredibly understanding. Keep your own boundaries and then discuss what you’re comfortable doing with your friends.
Early on in first year, there was one night where I was watching a Priyanka Chopra film in my room and I realised, I was doing exactly what I’d done in High School. I was toning myself down to try to fit in and make friends. When I finally recognized this, I started staying true to myself, cooking curries, and drinking caramel lattes at the same time. I stopped caring about the people who wanted me to be like them.
The best bit of advice I can give you, is stay true to you, because when you do you will meet like-minded people or people that accept you wholly. My best friends in first year were a mix of cultural backgrounds but we all had so much in common and we never cared what others thought about the way we lived our lives. Okay, some of my values were different, shout out to Mahima and Dinuri for making fun of my untraditional taste in men. But we were together because we didn’t want to try to fit in. That’s why to this day I am so grateful I met them, and I still love them like crazy.
Being mixed race has its own problems because you sometimes feel like you’re in the middle of labels and never really know where to put yourself. But if you stay true to you, ignore the labels, and surround yourself with people who accept you, you stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be something you’re not.
---- Tasha Hardaker, President
