TW: discussions of homophobia, transphobia, queerphobia and inclusion of slurs.
Most people have heard it before, being an “ally” to different marginalized groups. Especially after the events of 2020, the idea that it is not enough to be apathetic or complacent towards social issues has become popularized and more widely acknowledged and accepted. However, with that also came the popularization of online activism, which although can be great for raising awareness, has also given birth to performances. As with all things on social media, it will always be a highlight reel, a way to showcase the aspects of ourselves we want other people to see and it is no different with online performative “allyship”.
You may or may not have noticed that I put the word ally in quotations, and that is because I do not believe it is possible to be an ally to most marginalized groups especially when you have very little to no proximity to them. It is almost impossible to feel a similar level of trauma, anger, passion, or pain as them which I feel is necessary for a solid foundation of continued allyship. However, this is not an excuse to throw all support out the window. I have had someone say to me, “I’m done trying to show support for y’all, it’s too hard, fix this shit yourselves.” Although this sentence may shock some of you, the majority of you are no better than this person, the difference is that they’re being honest. This performative aspect of allyship is not only fickle, it is mostly self-serving and does nothing for the oppressed people, which is the exact opposite of what allyship is supposed to be about. This is why we have people who are “supportive” of queer people yet reduce gay men to their gay best friend stereotype, cringe when gay sex is being discussed, fetishize and sexualize lesbian/sapphic relationships and interactions, have their pronouns in their bio yet consistently belittle the identities and realities of trans people, still demonize gay men and trans women as predators, bisexual men as hyper sexual cheaters and bisexual women as “straight with spice”, use the word “gay” as an insult or negative term, sleep with and be in relationships with queerphobic men and say “trans women are women” then proceeding ask if the men interested in them are gay.
(Before you continue reading this article, you need to remove any pre existing ideas that you are a queer ally, because you are not)
1. Listen first and talk later.
What better source of education is there on what queer people need than queer people themselves. Now this is something you have to tread carefully with. DO NOT expect every queer person to be your automatic arsenal for education and learning. We are not walking encyclopedias and you are not entitled to personal answers to your questions. However, there are many queer people that will be more than happy to teach you and correct you if necessary. In fact, I assure you most of us would much rather you say something wrong in front of us so that we can correct you and most importantly tell you WHY what you did/said was wrong. All that we ask from you is that you listen to us with an OPEN heart, and not just to “argue” or “debate” us. Our existence and ostracism are not up for debate, it is real life.
2. Ask Questions
Second fundamental part of allyship is to ask questions, but let your questions come from a place of truly wanting to learn and understand rather than asking invasive, ill intentioned and “smart-ass” questions. Some commonly annoying and ignorant questions/phrases that can easily be answered here include; “How did you know you were a gay man if you’ve never been with a woman before?” Well how did you know you were a straight man if you’ve never been with a man before? “Oh you’re lesbian? You probably just haven’t had good dick before” Same goes for you. Did you take your bro up the ass first before you came to the conclusion that you’re straight? “You’re trans? Do you have a penis or a vagina?” Why do you ask? Do you have any intention to sleep with me? Otherwise I don’t see how it’s your business. “I’m attracted to you. Does that make me gay?” Fellas, is it gay to be attracted to women? “You’re bi? Would you be interested in a threesome?” Just ew, like just no. “Are you going to get all the surgeries as you transition?” Oh my gosh? Why do you care?. “Who’s the man and the woman in the relationship?” The point of a sapphic relationship is that there are no men in the relationship, and vice versa “Do you find me attractive?” What is even the point of this question? To boost your ego or to run away from me? “You’re trans? You are SO PRETTY for a trans girl”. What? Are trans girls usually ugly? What do you mean? These are just some of the most common I hear.
A few examples of well intentioned questions that we will be more than happy to answer for you include, “How is life like for you as a trans man?” “Why do you feel more comfortable identifying outside the gender binary?” “Is it okay if I call you bro? or dude? Or do you prefer more feminine terms of endearment?” “What’s your type in men/women?” “Is it okay if I ask you this question?” “I’ve been questioning my sexuality/gender identity, do you have any tips on figuring stuff out?” It is also VERY important to assess the environment you’re in before asking questions. Use your intuition for time and place. Most queer people won’t want to go into their entire life story for you when they’re just trying to enjoy a motive/event.
3. Tweak your language and the way you talk about certain things and interact with people.
When meeting someone for the first time, ask them their pronouns. If you absolutely feel too awkward asking everyone you meet their pronouns and how they identify, at least keep an eye out for people who look gender queer/non-conforming/variant and ask them their pronouns. There are a couple things you can look for to assess if someone could be gender variant. The first obvious sign is your initial reaction to them. If the sight of them initially shocks you or seems “new” to you, it is likely they are gender variant. For example, if you notice exaggerated expression, in their makeup, or hair, or their clothing. Gender queer people are often very creative and stand out. You could also pay attention to their demeanor, for example if you notice someone who registers in your brain as a boy/girl, however their behavior, general composure and how they carry themselves is reading differently, it is very likely they are gender variant. If not anything else, it is very important to at least ask these types of people their pronouns as their identity could likely not be what you assume, and if you do not ask, you run the risk of “misgendering” them. 99 percent of the time this will not have any effect on you as most of us are too anxious or embarrassed to say anything a lot of the time, however you would have possibly triggered that person’s “gender dysphoria” which would give them a lot of psychological distress and discomfort.
4. Refrain from associating queer identities with negative connotations.
For example, do not say things like “I can’t believe he got so angry, that’s so gay” or “I’m worried people will think i’m gay if I wear this” or “Stop being so gay and man up.” The fear of being gay or perceived as gay in itself is homophobic and harms gay men and is what gets trans women killed. The idea that being gay is less manly or being lesbian is less womanly is not only completely wrong, but very harmful for the self esteem of queer people and language like this only reinforces those harmful rhetorics. Obviously stay away from SLURS. Do not call gay men f*ggots/f*gs. Do not call trans women and men tr*nnies. Do not call lesbian women d*kes. These are not only horrible words, but could also triggers fight or flight trauma responses in some queer people, and will earn you a personal cancellation for me.
5. Refrain from associating body parts with gender.
If you are a straight woman, refrain from describing your sexuality as “liking dick” because it’s just not true. There are women with dicks and I highly doubt you’d describe being attracted to them as “straight.” Just say you are attracted to men. In fact it is OKAY to say you are attracted to men with dicks. However, women who are attracted to men with both dicks and vaginas are not any less straight and you should not describe them as such. Same things goes for straight men describing their sexuality as “liking pussy” cause I doubt you would question your bro’s straightness being attracted to a man with a vagina. The same goes for gay men and women doing the same thing. The reason for tweaking this language is not to make your life insufferable. The problem with language like this is that it increases the dysphoria and the discomfort that a lot of trans people feel with their bodies already. The whole world already strips us of our gender identity because of our body parts. It doesn’t feel great to have it reinforced by literally everyone that we know and people who claim to be “allies”
6. Another important part of allyship is how you treat queer people.
One thing you need to know is that we notice EVERYTHING. We know exactly when you treat us differently because of our queerness. That trans woman knows why you didn’t bother to walk her home. That trans man knows why you’re calling him “cute” and infantilizing him. That gay boy knows why you didn’t want to change next to them in the locker room. That lesbian knows why the boys were cheering and wooing when they kissed their partner. That non binary person knows when you are ignoring their identity and just seeing them as their assigned gender. We know exactly how you see us and how you perceive us and how you really think of us even though you are “respectful” of our identities and sexualities.
Walk your trans girl friend home like you would your cis girl friend, because she is in just as much, if not more danger most of the time. Don’t call your trans boy friend “lil bro” or “lil boy” if you’re not keeping the same energy for your cis boy friends. Don’t tell your gay friend that you’re not interested in hearing about their sexual encounters just because of your homophobia. Don’t ask your lesbian friend to kiss as an experiment or to impress boys. Treat us just like you would treat our cishet counterparts but also acknowledge the disadvantage our identities put us at and treat us even better accordingly. Check up on your trans friend, constantly affirm their gender identity where appropriate any chance you get. Don’t just neglect them just because you don’t see them cry or don’t immediately see them in pain. If your queer friend posts a photo/video, you have an obligation as an “ally” to remind them how beautiful they are. Remember that the whole world is constantly calling us monsters, freaks of nature, and treats us as if our lives and mental well being don’t matter. As an ally you need to do your best to remind us that we deserve life.
7. Support us even if we're not directly being affected.
One of the most important parts of allyship even if you are not always successful in the above, is supporting and standing up for us even when we’re not directly being affected. This comes in different forms. If you see someone saying something homophobic, lesbophobic, biphobic, transphobic etc. SPEAK UP! Remaining complacent in the situation makes you part of the problem. I understand some people struggle with anxiety and being assertive in general but you can start small. Start with your close friends, and get enough confidence to go further. As a cisgender straight MAN especially, you have a lot of power in changing people’s views on queerness because your kind are the main oppressors and perpetuators of queerphobia. Sorry not sorry. If you speak up for us, your friends and your pack will follow suit and are so much more likely to listen to you. THIS IS HOW YOU USE YOUR PRIVILEGE! This is how you can be an ally. Using your privilege to benefit our community. We need as much help as we can get because we’re so small. If you are scared of losing your friends because you call them out for queer phobia, then how are you an ally? Should you even be friends with people like that? Same thing goes for people who sleep with and are in relationships with people who are queerphobic. Everyone agrees to not sleep with or be with people who are sexual violators, then why is the same energy not held for people who are homophobic or transphobic when both are equally as bad? Unless you don’t actually believe queerphobia is that bad. Then you are not an ally.
8. It is almost impossible to be an ally when you have no proximity.
Finally, as I stated at the beginning of this article, it is almost impossible to be an ally to a group of people you have little to no proximity to, so get in proximity! Follow more queer activists and influencers from different walks of life. Consume queer media, make friends with queer people! Especially when you’re at university. Queer people, especially trans people are such a minority and being around them is a privilege that most people don’t have and you may never even get again. Use that privilege to learn, improve and make yourself a better ally for our community. Expand your idea of trans people, it’s not everyday using Nikita Dragun, or Hunter Schaffer as your token trans women and acting like you know everything about trans people just because you watched 1 season of “POSE” on netflix. Queer is incredibly diverse and you need to learn how to be an ally for ALL of us.
Regardless of everything I’ve stated above. It is important to acknowledge that you are far from being an ally and that is okay. We live in a world designed to set you up to be a bad ally. The system is working as intended and it is hard to unlearn all of the queerphobia we’ve been force fed from the day we were born. Queer people also understand the difficulty of unlearning queerphobia. It took me years and years to accept that I was a trans woman because of that same queerphobia. However, it is not impossible. All it takes is to open your heart and to be patient with yourself and have a genuine love for queer people. Queer liberation is also your liberation.
---- Ella Osho, LGBTQ+ Officer
