TW: Depression, Mental Health, ADHD.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is characterised as a condition that includes symptoms such as inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. According to the NHS, it affects around 3%-5% of young children and 2% of adults, whilst the majority go undiagnosed. That’s what everyone wants to hear isn’t it? A scary statistic that most mental health conditions and learning difficulties have. When I first started to question whether I had ADHD or not, I was faced with many uncertainties like this.
I always knew something was ‘off.’ And for a considerable amount of time, I thought I was suffering with depression. Despite getting no professional help for it, I was comforted by the fact I thought I knew what was wrong and it had been going on so long I didn’t really crave a ’better’ or ‘normal’ life. However, coming to university was a turning point for me. Having so much independent work, I struggled more than I had anticipated. Before, a diagnosis of ADHD had never crossed my mind- I got good grades (not a brag), and the things I struggled with, I thought everyone struggled with.
It was only at the start of my second year did I question whether I should be looking in a different direction. I was so set in my ways and yes, a little (lot) scared to admit that maybe there was something else going on. Despite being a huge advocate for mental health and on the Mind Aware exec, I admittedly did not know as much about ADHD as I once thought. I did a lot of what the pop culture world likes to call ‘soul-searching’ and finally, at 19 (almost 20, rip) I’m trying to seek a diagnosis of ADHD. Of course, I could be proven wrong again, but it gets me wondering: can anyone be sure of their diagnoses? What if in 5 years I change my mind, or I get misdiagnosed, or another million and one things I use as an excuse to not seek a diagnosis.
Most of these fears originate from the sense of uncertainty. Like I said, I always knew I was different. I asked my mum for help multiple times, but she has never been the type to ‘believe’ in mental health. She said that medication makes you ‘crazy’, which as you probably know, is not a word we use when discussing mental health. Now that I’m able to seek help myself, I must ask, are there really that many options? What exactly can we do? Waiting lists are endless, and for someone with ADHD who specifically has trouble with time management, patience and starting tasks, just phoning the GP takes weeks. The lady I spoke to on the disability support team was admittedly lovely, but she herself admitted there was very little that could be done. In a way I’m angry but also, I’m not? Who would I even be angry at? My mum for not listening to me even though she knew I needed help? My dad for not caring enough? Myself for not reaching out sooner? Or the poor lady from the disability team who genuinely wanted to help but couldn’t? This is the only life I have ever known; I truly don’t feel too different from the next person. It’s more the constant thought in the back of my mind that tells me I will never reach my full potential, I will never get to be my true and best self, and that is a very frightening thought. Even more so knowing that my younger (11) brother is experiencing the same behaviours that I am, and like my younger self, my parents are continuing to do nothing about it yet again.
If you are struggling with a potential diagnosis, you may feel very alone and very scared. Honestly, me too. But there are options, people. Even if, like me, you can’t rely on your family, that's okay. I have been able to find comfort in the people closer to me. My best friend is lovely and always has been, my boyfriend does the utmost he can for me, and I know I can rely on him. I know neither of them completely understand but that’s okay. I think we need to stop pretending we understand what everyone around us is going through in order to help them. I don’t understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours completely either. All I can do is offer my support to them when they need it. That’s all anyone can do. I hope you too will be able to find the comfort you need that this blog post can’t give you (as it was mostly me complaining to be honest.)
Right now, I don’t know what the future looks like and that is probably a popular uncertainty for many people. So, let’s get through this together.
---- Nicha Smith, Guest Blogger from Mind Aware
