TW: Discussions of mental health, depression and sexual assault
Talking to friends, family, loved ones, and even strangers, about mental health can be hard. We never want to say the wrong thing. However, these conversations need to happen, especially if we are going to keep challenging the stigma around mental health. So, what should you do and say if someone approaches you when they are struggling? How can you express to a loved one that you’re concerned about them?
(1) Choose Your Moment
If you’re initiating a conversation with someone who is struggling, don’t do it somewhere that they are likely to feel uncomfortable or overheard. Instead of the bar after a few drinks, maybe try having a chat at home where they feel safe and secure. If they come to you and it feels like the wrong place or time, maybe ask if you guys can step outside. On the other hand, don’t avoid having uncomfortable conversations and wait ages for the right moment. There will never be a perfect moment when someone is struggling but some moments are better than others. Also, make sure the conversation is one-on-one otherwise it may feel like an interrogation.
(2) Listen
This seems obvious, right? But it’s not just about being quiet while they are talking and thinking about what you’re going to say next. You should be actively listening, so that your responses are genuine and not generic like ‘you’ll be okay’.
(3) Don’t make it about you
This is a tough one. Maybe you have a friend who has come to you to talk about grief and maybe you have been through the exact same thing a few years ago and want to explain how you got yourself through it. But, in the nicest way possible, this isn’t about you. Try your best to let them tell their story without intervention. If you genuinely feel like telling them something from your own experience would benefit them, premise it by saying ‘I don’t want to take over the conversation or talk about myself but I do think one thing that could help is…’
(4) Don’t push them or ask invasive questions
Let them tell you what they want to tell you. If they are comfortable sharing something, they will. If you ask a question and they avoid answering it, don’t follow it up by asking again. Be mindful of triggers and don’t ask questions that pry into the details of a traumatic experience. An easy way to avoid asking harmful questions is to keep them open-ended and neutral, like ‘how are you feeling?’ rather than ‘I can tell you’re depressed, what’s wrong?’. On that note, also don’t try and diagnose them or tell them exactly what to do, you’re not an expert!
(5) Believe them, always
There is nothing worse than confiding in someone and then feeling or hearing them doubt you. Believe people when they say they are struggling – especially in terms of survivors of sexual violence. Around 80% of rapes and sexual assaults go unreported and there is a huge culture of doubt surrounding sexual violence. Believing someone when they have the courage to be vulnerable in front of you is so important.
(6) Know when you’re out of your depth
It’s okay if you’re not able to help. Whether you are struggling yourself or you feel as though you don’t know what to say or do, it’s okay to explain that you’re not able to be a hundred percent there for them right now. Perhaps you can say you’ll reach out to them when you feel you’re able or signpost them to someone else or some form of mental health service. If you feel like you’re not the right person to give them advice, politely suggest that they speak to someone experienced, if they’d like to.
Useful Info
Samaritans - 116 123
Papyrus HOPELINEUK (confidential support for under-35s at risk of suicide and others who are concerned about them) – 08000684141 / 07860039967 (text)
Cruse Bereavement Care – 08088081677
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – 0800585858
MIND Helping Someone Else - mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/
---- Allana Bennison, Head of Welfare
