TW: Queerphobia, queerphobic physical abuse, tone policing.
A couple weeks ago we talked about being an ally to queer people and people of queer experience. Whilst non-queer people may have a better idea on how to react to, listen to and support queer people, it is important for us in the community to also be able to communicate our needs, struggles and experiences for them to be able to listen, empathize or support us. This article will provide some tips I have learned along the way as a straight trans woman that has helped people support and warm up to me regardless of being in predominantly queerphobic environments even as an openly queer 11-year-old.
As a comforting reminder, it is important to remember than the anxiety, pressure or shame you feel about talking about your queerness in any form is not a fault of your own, but a product of the society and environment we all were raised in. Due to the demonization of queerness and its experiences, we have all developed a level of awkwardness and avoidance with talking about it, and at best even if we don’t mind, there is always a certain level of cringe because we are taught to feel embarrassed about how our lives are. It is imperative that you keep this in mind in everything, feel and acknowledge that emotion and understand it is just a by-product of our society, and redirect it elsewhere. The wall might be big, but we have to start breaking it down at some point.
Starting off lightly, I mentioned discussion around personal pronouns last time, and it is important for us to be able to tell people how we identify for them to accommodate and respect them. Whilst we’d all love to live in a utopia where people always assume correctly, it is not always possible and that is just the way things are. If you are in a corporate or more professional environment, find out if you can inform a boss, professor, work partner etc about your identity and pronouns beforehand, which could alleviate the anxiety, awkwardness or – quite frankly – cringe you might feel about having to say it yourself in front of everyone. As secure as I am in my identity and as vocal as I can be, even I still internally squirm whenever I must go “sorry, I’m a girl” to everyone I meet. If you are in a more informal or social setting however, it can be a little more intimidating. I’ve found the easiest way for me to instantly break the pronoun ice is asking them their pronouns first. Whilst this is the best method, it has its downsides. As the discussion around pronouns being as common as a “How are you?” is still a very modern idea, a lot of people will be initially taken aback by your question. At best they will just say they’re a man/woman, at worst they will ask you what you mean. I also find it’s a very easy way to have a quick internal laugh because some people will hit you with the “I’m just straight” when you ask them their pronouns and it is the most hilarious and honestly cutest thing ever, bless their innocent heart. When you are not in a social setting and are just going about your day in the public, please refrain from bringing up pronouns at all, and the reason for this is fundamentally your safety. There are some violently traditional and queerphobic people out there and it is better to not take your chances and just let people perceive you how they perceive you. In the event that you get misgendered, whether it’s because you were unable to ask pronouns or you got misgendered in a restaurant, a Tesco, an H&M etc, it is also important to learn how to cope with that. First thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Without even getting into gender theory, people misgender people all the time whether it’s by mistake, or maybe they have dyslexia and genuinely just mixed different words up in their head. Cisgender black and south Asian women as well as cisgender east Asian men get misgendered as the opposite gender very regularly, and on top of that, the reality is that we live in a cis heteronormative world (meaning being cisgender and being straight is seen as the default and the ideal). At the end of the day for the majority of people in this world, men and women have a general look, and not all of us fit that look all the time. Your personal gender identity is not discredited just because you may not be perceived as such to the general public even though you may feel that way. As a black trans woman who has just started hormone treatment recently, I get misgendered as a man on a very regular basis, regardless of how technically feminine I may be looking that day. It initially stings, but I remember that it is not my fault, neither is it the fault of the person that misgendered me, so I am okay with it and can go about my day remembering that it doesn’t make me any less of a woman to myself.
As I mentioned, being in a cis-heteronormative world, you will come across a lot of people that adopt language, behaviour or social culture that is either obviously queerphobic, or rooted in it which could harm you and other queer people, even though they may not be immediately aware of it. It is important to learn how to communicate that they have said or done something that has harmed you regardless of how uncomfortable the situation might be. Acknowledge that discomfort, feel it, and do what needs to be done anyways. If someone misgenders you or uses the wrong pronouns and they are not aware of your identity, I’ve found the easiest and most effective way of getting them to respect your identity is to meet them at their level and come from a place of neutrality, rather than anger or being upset. We don’t like to say it because a lot of the time it’s tagged as “tone policing” which is not considered politically correct, but in reality, people are more likely to consider you when you treat them like human beings understanding where they’re coming from. As mentioned previously, it is neither of your faults that misgendering occurred but rather a product of the society we live in. When I meet someone and they use he/him pronouns for me, I feel the sting, acknowledge it, and understand that its not my fault or their fault, and I simply tell them “By the way, I use she/her pronouns and I’m a girl”. As well, this is an optional step but adding a little smile at the end to assure them that the situation is okay does help as well. That way people associate respecting and using your pronouns with positivity, rather than from bitterness and irritation. I would get in trouble on tiktok for saying that, but it is the truth, and I value the people who read this. In the situation that someone is intentionally disrespecting you, what I’ve found is the best course of action is to not escalate the situation, but rather to not give them the time of day. A lot of the time when people consistently misgender you, you can easily feel that something isn’t right and, in that situation, it is better to just halt all interaction with that person, for your own mental and emotional safety. This can be applied to a lot of queer exclusionary behaviour or social culture.
Step 1 is to acknowledge the pain of what that person has done, feel it and remember why you feel this way and why that person has done what they have done.
Step 2 is to come down to their level and express your concern and how they could improve.
Step 3 is to leave the rest to the universe and READ anyone for filth that consistently disrespects you.
When interacting with society as a queer person, there will be multiple situations where you may feel unsafe or uncomfortable and when you cannot apply what I’ve stated above because of the nature of the situation, the best thing is to exit. However, a lot of us feel conflicted as sometimes we think we may be being overly cautious, feel like we might ruin the event/night/party if we request to leave and sometimes might actually be enjoying the main event but getting fed up with the discomfort and unsafety of the people in the event so we may try to pseudo ignore it. The fact of the matter is we all feel like sh*t when we get back home because it takes a toll on your mental capacity. That is if we get back home at all, as unfortunately sometimes it can lead to more violent occurrences. In reality, the only thing I can recommend is to prioritise yourself, as hard as that can be, it is the SAFEST and ONLY option for you. If you feel unsafe and you are alone, leave IMMEDIATELY, do NOT waste any time in denial of whether or not the situation could get better. The longer you wait, unfortunately, the more the danger could escalate. If you are with a group of friends, apart from the fact that your friends SHOULD be making sure you feel safe as a queer person f they want to be queer allies, please express to your friends that you want to leave. The least they can do is take you back and make sure you’re safe and okay, then make their way back to the venue without you. If your friends give you a hard time about it, make sure you demand to leave. You are free to even make up an extremely exaggerated excuse just to get them to listen to you. However, afterwards, you need to express to them why what they did was inconsiderate and wrong, then DROP them as friends. It is NOT SAFE to be around them, because it shows they do not care about your mental wellbeing more than they do some silly event. Correct them and LEAVE. It is the only way they will learn and the best thing you can do for yourself.
One of the biggest moments for a lot of queer people is coming out. Before I continue, it is important to note that you do NOT need to “come out” to anyone. The only reason coming out is a thing, let alone such a huge deal is because of the cis-heteronormative world we live in, that assume everyone is cisgender and straight by people who are not are expected to “come out” to tell everyone that they are queer. This is NOT a requirement. Take for example you are a bisexual man, you are more than free to just show up one day with a boyfriend, or just randomly talk about a guy that you hooked up with. You do not need to give a formal “By the way guys I’m bisexual!” for what reason? If Jennifer the cisgender straight girl can just show up with her boyfriend without everyone making a huge spectacle about how she is straight, you are MORE than free to do the exact same thing. However, if you do feel like you want to come out of your own accord and feel like it is important to you, it is paramount that you know how to go about it the way that is best for you. Firstly, you do not need to come out to everyone. I never came out to my parents and never planned to, unfortunately I was outed to them against my will, which didn’t end up well at all - but enough about me! You can come out to a specific group of people only; you can come out in bits and batches, or you can come out all at once. You are the only one who is aware of the safety of your environment and only you can gauge that. As long as your reason for staying closeted is not due to self-denial or hatred, you are free to do whatever you feel is most comfortable. Personally, for me, I came out when I was 11 years old to the entire year at once on a group chat. I told everyone “By the way guys I’m gay” and just turned off my phone, then awaited my fate, from there I just never “came out” but just would talk about being gay or boys as anyone else would to the people I met, and as well I was considered “obviously queer” …….. whatever that means…. I came out again when I moved to Nigeria for sixth form to my boarding house mates, I was talking to one of them about sexuality, then he asked he if I was gay and I said yes, and he was fine with it. I made sure to tell people as well when I did come out, who I wasn’t comfortable knowing I was queer. Luckily for me, the upside of being in a queerphobic school was that people automatically assumed you were ashamed of your identity and just didn’t tell people out of “sympathy” and respect for you. I was kind of “lucky” in a sense that every time I “came out”, people have said that they had already assumed I was queer, which is technically wrong and politically incorrect, but it lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders. I came out again in university as a trans woman on my Instagram and snapchat story. As you may be able to tell there is a trend here. Personally, for me, I found that it was much better to go cold turkey and rip the cord at once because it saved me having to “relive” the experience of coming out all the time, and also, I have always been vocal about queer right even as a little girl, so I have never been ashamed to let everyone know who I am. However, this is not the case for a lot of people, and I consider myself quite lucky to some extent. I was lucky enough to have the strength and courage to deal with any bullying, ridicule, degradation, ostracization, invalidation and isolation because before I came out, I always did the work beforehand to secure myself in my identity, so all I had to do was remain strong and fight for my people the best way I knew how.
So, we’ve talked about coming out and expressing your needs as a queer person. So, what happens when people well, don’t give a f*ck frankly, and are not accepting of you? I like to put these people into three categories. There are people that do not accept you only because they do not yet understand you, there are people that do not accept you because their peers don’t accept you and not for any particular reason, and there are people that will never accept you. The people in the last category are usually older people or extremely religious people and that is just the fact of the matter. These people are usually the easiest to spot and the easiest to deal with, because the only thing you can do is leave them alone and not interact with them. In fact, I would encourage not interacting with people who do not fundamentally accept you PERIOD. However, if you are anything like me and are passionate about people learning about queer people and bringing as many people as you can to the light, I have some tips for you.
There has never been anyone that has had the opportunity to meet me and know me, that has parted from me as queerphobic as they were when I first met them. A bit of a warning with this though, it takes A LOT of resilience, a lot of patience, a lot of understanding and a lot of strength to convert people to not be queerphobic. However, my passion for the queer community supersedes these feelings in all honesty. The first and easiest category is the people who “don’t accept” you because of their friends. These people don’t necessarily have any strong feelings towards you and can’t really defend their distaste for you and just spout a lot of meaningless nonsense. If you can convert their leaders, you can convert all of them. To spot their leaders, it takes a bit of practice, but you have to look for the most idealistic person, the person that they look up to the most, and try to gain proximity to them. If you’re lucky, they will come to you, typically with negative intentions, but although this may not be ideal for everyone, a lot of these people are just confused about you and meeting them at their level and talking to them one on one, a lot of them do have loads of potential to come along. At the end of the day most human beings are fundamentally good people and young people especially are very prone to change and understanding. Hate is learned, not biological.
At the end of the day, it is okay to remain reserved as to what extent you communicate your queer trauma, struggles, issues or needs. However, I really hope this article can give you some pointers on how to navigate non-queer spaces and people as a queer person.
---- Ella Osho, LGBTQ+ Officer
