TW: Suicide, depression.
Talking about suicide saves lives, but it can be difficult- especially if they mention they have plans for acting on their feelings. You may be worried to use problematic language or putting the idea in their head. Make sure to give yourself time away to rest and process the conversation. Remember that it is totally okay if you decide you are no longer able to help someone- that does not make you selfish or a bad friend.
Why talking about suicide is important
Talking about suicide will not put the idea inside of someone head, nor will it make someone more likely to kill themselves. The opposite is true, as talking about suicide may make people feel safer and more able to ask for help.
“Talking openly to someone about suicide might just save their life” - Papyrus UK.
Suicide is preventable. Most people who have faced suicidal thoughts go on to live full, meaningful lives (Papyrus, UK).
Suicidal thoughts do not discriminate. They can affect anyone, at any time.
Courage sometimes needs encouraging. By suggesting ways the person can get help, and supporting them to do so (such as creating a safety plan with them) may encourage them to speak out and get professional support.
Learning about risk factors, and signs to look out for could help you to save a life. This could be someone else’s, or your own (Mental health UK).
Risk factors and signs to look out for
Although anyone is at risk of experiencing suicidal thoughts, there are some factors that may make them at ‘higher risk’. This does not mean that anyone in these demographics will definitely face suicidal thoughts at some point in their life, nor does it mean signs shown by people outside of this demographic should not be taken as seriously.
People can be more at risk of suicide if:
They have attempted suicide before
They have self-harmed in the past
They have lost someone to suicide
They have experienced or are experiencing abuse
They have a serious mental health problem
Signs can be difficult to spot, and some people may not show any signs at all. It is important to trust your gut if you are concerned about someone- some people may not be open about how they are feeling.
Some indicators that someone is experiencing thoughts of suicide
Changes in behaviour
Eg giving away possessions, sleeping more or less than usual, becoming more reckless or quiet
Physical indicators
Eg weight loss or gain, lack of interest in appearance
Expressing thoughts or feelings
Eg feeling hopeless, worthless, becoming more anxious or irritable
The language being used
Eg “I feel so overwhelmed” or “I can’t take it anymore”
When to talk about suicide
It is important to choose a time and palace that you can both talk openly without being interrupted or overheard. Ideally, approach the conversation when both parties feel calm and able to have the conversation. Don’t have anything scheduled for afterwards: it is important the person feels you have time to listen to them. Make sure the time is right for you- supporting someone facing suicidal thoughts may feel overwhelming and distressing so it is important that you feel ready and able.
Language matters
I think the phrase “being uncritical is critical” encapsulates why the language you use when talking about suicide is important. Sensitive phrasing helps to reduce blame and stigma around the topic.
Try to avoid...
Anything that may reinforce discrimination or stereotypes.
- Instead of using the phrase ‘committed suicide’ consider using neutral phrasing such as ‘died/ lost their life by suicide’ or ‘are you thinking about ending your life?’.
- The word ‘committed’ implies that suicide is a sin or a crime- using a more neutral word (eg. died by) helps remove the element of blame and guilt associated.
Anything that refers to or defines people as their diagnosis
- Instead of using phrases like ‘X person is suicidal’, ‘X person is depressed’ or ‘the mentally ill’, consider using the first-person, such as ‘X person has experienced suicidal thoughts/ is thinking of suicide’, ‘X person is living with/ has depression’ and ‘people living with mental illnesses’.
- Using the first person shows people respect, and reinforces that being diagnosed with a condition does not define you.
Anything implying mental illnesses makes people more creative, fragile or violent.
When referring to a fatal vs non-fatal suicide
- Avoid using phrases such as successful/unsuccessful or completed/ failed when referring to a suicide attempt.
- Instead, consider neutral phrases such as fatal/ non-fatal suicide attempt, died by suicide or lived through/ survived through a suicide attempt
- This is because the former implies an element of achievement and that having a fatal suicide is a positive thing and is therefore inappropriate.
Referring to suicide as ‘something stupid’, or ‘selfish’.
- Both of these phrases imply an element of personal choice and judgement that may make the person not be honest about their feelings. (Papyrus, UK)
- ‘Selfishness has been defined by Merriam-Webster as “seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” Suicide does not generate pleasure, advantage or well-being.’ (Nationwide childrens)
If you find yourself using problematic language when talking about suicide, that does not make you a bad person. When possible, try to catch yourself and correct yourself out loud. By letting those involved in the conversation know why your words are harmful you can turn the conversation into a positive learning experience.
Be direct
Using the word suicide directly will reduce uncertainty and identify you as a safe, supportive person- even if they do not want to talk about their feelings right now, they know it is okay to talk to you about them in the future.
Asking direct questions results in direct answers.
For example:
- Ask them if they are having thoughts of suicide.
- Ask them if they have a plan/timeframe.
- Ask them if they have felt like this before and if so what has changed.
You can continue the conversation with open questions, such as ‘how long have you been feeling this way?’
Encouraging the conversation in this way may make the person feel listened to, and valued.
It is a myth that talking about suicide will put the idea inside someone’s head- they will likely feel relief talking about it. Be prepared that the person may answer yes to the questions- try to listen with empathy and without judgement.
For more examples, the conversation starters worksheet by papyrus may be particularly useful.
Stay calm
Be prepared to listen to the person talk about their feelings, even if it is hard for you to hear and makes you upset. Talking about suicide may be scary, but try to stay calm. The person may be looking to see how you react, to decide how much to tell you. This is why it is important that you start the conversation in an environment that you are comfortable in. Even showing that you are trying to understand, and that you care about that person may give them the reassurance and confidence they need to reach out.
These conversations won’t be easy- but they are very important. Being confident and reaching out to the person may make a huge difference.
Encourage them to talk about their feelings
Courage sometimes takes encouraging- reaching out for help may feel like the last thing that the person feels able to/ wants to do. Having someone recognise, listen to and empathise with how they are feeling, may help them to do so. Using non-verbal cues (such as eye-contact and nodding when they talk) can help make sure the person knows that you are here for them, and want to listen.
- Reassure them that you are here to listen to and support them.
- Try to offer hope and help with access to support, such as going with them to a GP.
- Let them know that they are not alone, and that lots of people face suicidal thoughts.
- Don’t judge or minimise their feelings.
Accept that the person may not be ready to talk about this, or feel comfortable talking to you. It is their personal choice to talk about it, so try not to make them feel pressured- instead, you can focus on ways to make them feel less alone, such as staying in touch.
The link below lists some useful phrases to help someone feel listened to and supported.
Empathy > Sympathy
Try to be empathetic, not sympathetic. Empathy involves putting yourself in the persons shoes, while sympathy means feeling sorry for the other person. You can try to show that you are listening by reflecting on and clarifying what the person has said such as, ‘it sounds like you’ve been struggling with work for a while now, is that right?’
Encourage them to get help
If someone tells you they are facing suicidal thoughts, or that they have a plan- take this seriously. Regardless of if you think any reason or feeling they have expressed is not serious enough to kill themselves over- the fact they they are having these feelings means that the person thinks it is serious enough.
However, it is their person choice to get help or not- you may not agree with them, but try to respect their decision. Make sure they know that your support is not conditional on them getting professional help.
---- Julia Hickson, Guest Blogger
All information in this blog has come from the following resources and trainings. For further information, see the links below.
Resources
Useful phrases
Useful guides
Beyond Blue
Mind
Rethink mental illness
Papyrus
National suicide prevention alliance
Samaratains
Sane
American foundation for suicide prevention
Save
Scottish assocaition for mental health
Useful training
Zero suicide alliance
Papyrus
Grassroots
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