TW: graphic discussions of rape, sexual assault and manipulative/abusive relationships.
The first time I was sexually assaulted I was 12 years old. He was years older, but had the same interests as me and seemed really cool. I was told to “close my eyes” and let him touch my chest while I pretended to sleep. I was too scared to say no, so I just clenched my eyes shut until it started to hurt, and I spoke up. To this, I was met with that if I said “no” again, I would be punished. After that followed months of nights of being touched, crying and being forced to put my hands on someone I feared. The next time I would be sexually assaulted was by the man who would rape me and leave me half naked and bloody in a forest merely three years later. At some point, my brain stopped recognising the difference between feeling love and feeling terror. What did it matter that I was being hurt, molested and beaten? I was in love. Of course, I wasn’t. I was young, naïve and I wanted to feel like someone found me attractive, even if that came at the price of my mental and physical health.
I could dive into many stories about this man; let’s call him X. X would tell me that if I didn’t do various things, he would be disappointed in me and would no longer love me. This progressed into him controlling what I ate, wore and who I spoke to. I was miserable, but under his influence. He would buy me alcohol and show me off to his friends, and I felt invincible. At least, I thought I did. In reality, I spent the days scared of doing anything wrong, scared of eating a meal that he didn’t approve of, and scared of him taking something I wasn’t ready to give up yet. X liked to hurt me in places people wouldn’t see. We went to the cinema for what I hoped would be a romantic date and it turned into my own private hell where he indulged in his sexual fantasies. After he raped me, I didn’t see him again for a while. I had the courage to know what had happened was wrong, and besides, he told me I was too ruined for him to love anymore. Now that he’d taken my first time, I was useless to him. But because he lived near me, I bumped into him sometimes and even recently it still fills my heart with fear.
Let’s move our timeline forwards to September 2020. I was ready to come back to university and live my best life post covid. I signed up to a popular dating app, where I soon found a man who, online, seemed attractive and really cute. We got to chatting, and he wanted to meet up. Even now, I struggle to go into detail about what happened. The barest of details are hard to recount. He spiked me, date-raped me with enough force to rip and tear my skin, and then I ran as far as I could. I don’t remember how I ran, but what I remember is barely being able to string a sentence together, finding that the words didn’t quite translate from my brain to my mouth. I was so fortunate to have friends who looked after me, and helped me contact various sexual assault and rape clinics to get me help.
So, what can I say to anyone who has been sexually assaulted or raped. First of all, I am proud of you. You are strong, brave and someone who deserves to be treated with the utmost love and honour. Secondly, what happened to you was not your fault. No matter what the circumstances, it wasn’t. And, finally, though you went through a horrible experience, I promise that there are ways to turn even the smallest negative into a slight positive: raise money for charity, talk to friends who have gone through similar experiences, write for blogs, and most importantly start to heal and love yourself.
I wish I had the bravery to share this story with my name attached to it, but I doubt I ever will. Sadly, there are many times that have been missed out in this blog; sexual assaults during club nights, from friends when I was too drunk to make a decision, and many more. Even with all of this, I truly believe that people are kind. Those men who have made me feel such hardship, they aren’t kind, but the majority of people are. Remember that. People will have your back, and people are kind. Whatever happens, know that you have the inner strength to get through it.
---- Anonymous Blogger
