TW: Sexual assault, sexual violence, rape.
Despite working with It Happens Here for what will be two years in February, I have never publicly spoken about my own story. Many unfortunately experience sexual violence at university, but many also face it prior to this. University can therefore be fear inducing for those of us that have experienced sexual violence previously, but there are ways to combat the anxiety and fear of living on campus where drinking and hook-up culture is ever present.
I was 15 when I had my first ‘proper’ run in with sexual assault: let’s just say my English teacher was hands-on. This was incredibly harrowing, given that I openly complained, endured an investigation procedure, only to be told that despite the fact I was telling the truth, they would not be firing him as he seemed to have a ‘valid’ excuse for touching my breasts. Who would’ve thought you could comfort a student by sexually assaulting them? Wow. I never thought I’d say that.
So, you see, my opinions on authority and protections were incredibly negative to say the least before I began university. Those who have previously experienced sexual harassment or assault, have felt incredibly failed by systems and institutions; Warwick seems to be the poster university for many of these failures. Going through something as scary as sexual assault with an unsatisfactory aftermath makes you fearful of the future. I know that my experience at 15 stopped me from complaining when I was spiked in my first week of university. I didn’t want to go through yet another investigation process to have nothing come of it in the end. I know many others at Warwick who have felt the same.
But, recognising there are multiple forms of support for survivors is the first step to dealing with trauma. I didn’t go to the university when I was upset and confused, instead I went to the ex-president of IHH and together we set up a society dedicated to helping survivors and advocating for systematic changes. Finding other sources of support, ones you feel comfortable with and trust, will help you come to terms both with something which happened before university and potential hardships during. I used to think it was better to tell an authoritative figure of wrong-doings but having witnessed the failings both on a first and second hand basis, I’d say go to whoever you believe can help and then go from there. For example, people who have originally come to me after they’ve experienced sexual violence felt supported enough to endure speaking to disciplinary teams and even the press. Building a support system before you take on more hardships is crucial.
My trust in people was equally tainted by sexual violence. When I was 17, I tried to help a supposedly suicidal boy, only to be taken advantage of. I was ashamed and terrified at first. I didn’t think anyone would believe me and for a while I didn’t really understand what had happened. Rape doesn’t have to be violent to be harrowing. Emotional manipulation and grey area situations are equally distressing, and telling someone what they faced ‘wasn’t as bad’ as others or they ‘weren’t really raped’ because they offered to go to the boys room in the first place is incredibly damaging. Someone once told me, if someone is drowning in 2 ft water and someone is drowning in 100ft water, they’re both still drowning. Rape is rape, the details don’t matter, it is still the most traumatic experience for a victim.
So, trust issues can cause many problems at university. If I had a guy in my room, for whatever reason, I used to be on edge. Even with my now best friends, when I was first getting to know them, I would still be incredibly frightened of what could happen, because I had supposedly put myself in a dangerous situation previously, so practically begged to be degraded, and if it were to happen again it would be my own fault. It’s safe to say that things you say to people after they’ve come forward stay in their mind for the rest of their lives. I will never be able to forgive those who inflicted more pain and took away more control.
In situations where you feel uncomfortable or worried, be as honest as you can with people. It’s considered a taboo to talk about sexual violence and past experiences, but if we normalise conversation, the aftermath becomes easier for victims as they no longer feel silenced. I’m not saying tell people you were raped, it’s taken me three years to use the ‘r word’, but set boundaries. If you don’t feel comfortable with the door locked or with someone sitting on your bed, then say. I know it’s scary: there are many times I have felt uncomfortable and haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to make a situation worse or I thought if I said something they’d get defensive, or even worse they’d be what I feared. But there is more harm in not saying anything and not establishing boundaries for your own safety. The fear after something like that happens is debilitating, but when we learn that speaking up is okay and being honest is okay (regardless of anyone’s reactions) we can start to manage trauma.
Now, this is controversial to talk about, but I’m one to run my mouth and challenge the supposed taboos and gender roles society demands us all to have so here it goes. When I got to university, I felt ugly, degraded, and worthless. Despite being in a relationship, I had never felt comfortable being sexually active. That relationship ended day one of university, as I realised pressuring someone to have sex, despite what I had been through, was toxic and narcissistic. I was very virginal when university began, and for some reason this was frowned upon. I owed nobody any explanation of why I chose not to have sex, or be intimate in relationships, or why I never wanted to have sex outside of a relationship, but, hey, people are cruel and always have something to say.
I never wanted to admit this, but I gave into the pressures of university. I kissed boys on nights out, had people come back to my room, all to fulfil everyone else’s fantasies; by exploring sex (not penetrative) I was woman enough for university. Although mind you I was a slut for doing this too. The funny thing about all of this, is it was a façade. When people came back to my room we would sit and talk for hours, we’d watch some stupid cartoon and they would leave after I established a friendship with them. Yes, maybe I kissed them, maybe it went further. But do I care what others think now? No, absolutely not. What I struggled with the most after was feeling sexy and feeling desired, as many who experience sexual violence do. I couldn’t desire myself so what did I do? I sought desire from others to feel good about myself, in ways which were expected at university. If you’ve read my BPD blogs, you’ll know that validation is a driving force behind BPD behaviour, this worsened my feelings after facing sexual violence because I had never felt more destabilised.
At the end of the day, although I tried hook-up culture and the ‘hoe phase’, it was short lived, incredibly PG and not for me. And that’s okay. For some, there is something incredibly powerful about battling gender norms and taking part in healthy sexual interactions, outside of a relationship. I applaud you if you are comfortable enough to do this. For me, trust and love are crucial for my comfort. So, I waited, was a virgin until 19 until I finally met someone who ticked all my boxes and made me feel safe enough to explore. (Virginity is a social construct and for me consent is kind of key to losing your virginity)
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what others do. You do you, boo. If you want to do things outside a relationship, inside a relationship or with multiple people, then do it! It’s time we stop slut-shaming all genders for empowering themselves to do what they want. As long as you feel comfortable with what you’re doing and consent has been established on both sides, society shouldn’t stop you.
I struggled with the notion that I had to live by a rule book as a woman who’d been assaulted. I couldn’t get myself into bad situations again and if I did, I obviously hadn’t learnt from the first time, so clearly, I was asking for it. But my body is my body, and when one person thought they had the power to claim it without consent, what I chose to do to get back control is up to me. Stop shaming people for their choices, their stories and their past. It makes me incredibly angry to hear people say, ‘but she moved her arse in such a way when she danced, she wanted me’: get a grip, sweetie. If someone wanted you, you’d know and if you’re unsure don’t assault someone or make them feel uncomfortable to find out.
As we learn to stand up against adversity, speak our truth, tackle taboos and support one another we are able to take away some of the trauma of sexual violence. It’s not easy, and often the trauma and fear still lives inside of us, even if it’s buried deep beneath the surface.
This was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write, but hopefully I’ve inspired enough people to stand up and speak for themselves, for others, for all of us. We are in control of how we deal with adversity.
---- Tasha Hardaker, President
