TW: Grief, death of loved ones, depression, PTSD.
I used to think, simply, that when time passed between a loved one dying and now, you would be over it, to the point that nothing could hurt as much as that moment of loss and the aftermath. Well, if university has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t be prepared to relive grief if you don’t realise it’s coming.
Reliving grief isn’t talked about enough, and many assume that people who’ve lost loved ones a long time ago, lose the sadness after a period. The worst conversation I had in high school featured my teachers telling me, after nine months, that I would not be understood when I came back to school for Year 10, and I would just have to get on like everything was okay.
So, my story when I was 13, my dad died of a sudden heart attack. After that moment, a series of depression, PTSD from finding the body and guilt plagued the backdrop of teenagerhood. At around 16, I had come to terms with the loss of my father, and it was rarely spoken about in a negative or triggering way. But when I got university, I was not prepared for the prospect of reliving grief.
The first problem I encountered, was trying to retell what happened. When you first arrive at university you have the same stereotypical small-talk conversation with about fifty people, and a lot of the time it covers “what do your parents do?”. Having gone to the same school since I was 11, everyone was aware that my dad was no longer in my life, so no questions were asked. At first, I didn’t really know how to tell people, it’s an awkward conversation to have and to have it repeatedly for the entire of first term brought up a lot of memories I’d suppressed. I tried to make it humorous and say oh ‘he swims with fishes’ or ‘he haunts people that hurt me for a living.’ .
But understandably, some don’t use dark humour as a coping mechanism, so I was usually met by side-eye stares and nervous laughter, before having to meekly say ‘oh, he’s dead’. I wasn’t used to people’s awkward responses; it’s tough to know what to say when someone drops a bomb on you like that, especially when you’re trying to make lifelong friends. But you can prepare for it. If you find it difficult to talk about, then plan what you may say. Keep it short, sweet, and simple. You don’t have to tell everyone everything, and if it comes out later in conversation, you’ll be in the company of those who you will consider friends.
Secondly, getting to a milestone moment in your life carries with it mixed emotions. Whilst most are incredibly happy and excited to arrive at university, for me it served as a reminder of all the big things my dad would not be here for. Moving into university was bittersweet. When time passes you become more accepting of what’s happened, but you can still feel dejected when you’re living through moments you wish you had two parents for. It’s not just the moving in or buying your first pan that is a huge milestone. My dad never got to meet my first serious boyfriend and then threaten to hurt him if he hurt me. He didn’t get to meet my best friends and make fun of me with them. He won’t get to see me in a little cap and gown this coming summer. When a milestone comes up don’t think in a negative way and ruin the moment, instead think ‘hey, I made it. And if you were here, you’d tell me how proud you are and to not survive off Pot Noodle’. Everyone’s belief system is different, but what made milestones easier was believing that somewhere, somehow, my dad was watching and journeying with me. But if you don’t believe that, then remember to stay positive and embrace the present moment.
I don’t know if I was shocked by this last one, or just disappointed. When you arrive at university and you’re chatting to people about your dead dad, people can be cruel. When I was thirteen some were unkind, but I thought that was just the nature of adolescents. I’ve come to realise the emotionally immature come in all ages. Being prepared and keeping in mind that some may make unsavoury jokes (daddy issues whilst someone was trying to flirt with me was pretty common) or people may be unpleasant, helps. Finding the humour in situations where people have shown themselves to be ignorant and silly stops comments from hurting too much, laugh at them not with them.
Equally, it’s common many won’t understand what triggers you. Something which has stuck with me from first year, is my rather strange flatmate insisting on watching a coffin opening video on YouTube. I was so unprepared for the uncanny bonding exercise, I had a panic attack immediately. Whilst I hope you get good flatmates that don’t have necromantic hobbies, in situations where something has brought up a sad memory, or someone has said something which could be offensive, be honest. You don’t have to get confrontational or angry, simply and calmly say ‘hey, I think you’re being incredibly rude, so I’ll leave you to it’, is enough.
Learning to walk away from upsetting moments is incredibly important. It’s tough at first to relive grief in this way, because whilst you used to have a support system of friends and family, you now have teddies and photos for company. When you’re re-facing hardship, the isolation of the first few weeks of university hits hard. But everyone’s in the same boat, everyone feels lonely, so try to do all the first-flat-night bonding sessions, go to events that you’ll enjoy to meet like-minded people. Although you’re geographically far away from your loved ones, they’re only a phone call away. If some days are harder than others, call parental unit A or a good friend. Luckily, it’s only a small handful who appear to be ignorant, so you will meet people who make you feel safe and accepted.
It’s easy to assume that moving to university will not bring up the past, because you’ve lived in your present for so long. But remembering the comfort of an environment is shaped by you, your honesty and your calm is integral to dealing with long-standing grief at university. Once again, just like you were able to do before, things will stop being forlorn and you will learn how to keep moving forward in a positive mindset.
---- Tasha Hardaker, President
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