As guys we have all been in incredibly toxic, masculine and ‘laddie’ environments, some of us have partaken in or even led the masculinity, which is not necessarily a problem provided everyone involved is safe and comfortable. However, you never know what others are thinking, and the “yeah mate’s” can often be a shroud for discomfort, so lets be honest, it’s best to be yourself.
You need to separate yourself as an individual from groups. Your identity is not defined by others. I think back to my time as a fresher on the rugby team, you could see me on a chair, chanting my heart out with the other lads, but when chants took a turn to something more graphic, I refused to sing and went to the SU early because I knew it would make me and the people surrounding uncomfortable. In such situations we find ourselves not caring about anyone other than the group, but is that you? Are you the kind of person who cares only about your friendship group and enjoys distressing others? I didn’t think so…
It’s the pack mentality that forms a barrier of ignorance and veil of self-fulfilling respect that encourages toxicity. It is incredibly important to take a mental snapshot of a particular moment or decision and ask yourself ‘would I do this in any other scenario?’ regardless of encouragement from others. Equally important is considering bystanders and the comfort of everyone involved, and not judging them if they simply don’t want to do something, because that is a driving factor in this self-fulfilling prophecy.
I love rugby and boxing, two sports that encourage such behaviour, and attract those who command these scenarios. Often I find myself in these situations (in initiations especially) and making judgements that the group may not respect and may be met with “oh I bet you’re fun at parties…” or “go on mate…” but honestly, I find self-empowerment in not succumbing to the commands disguised as requests. You need to say no when you don’t want to do something. If I don’t exhibit self-control two things will happen.
1. The group would never understand my boundaries and continue to push me to do things I didn’t want me to do, in exchange for what? Being ‘rogue’ and making a fool of yourself because someone told you to. If you are still a sound person who considers others, you will command respect in other, less toxic ways. It’s not a popularity contest so you don’t have to please everyone, and why would you want to be friends with someone who makes you do things you don’t want to do?
2. lose respect for myself. Self-control is key to living the life you want to live, not one someone or a group has told you to do.
Ask yourself ‘what is masculinity to me?’. For me this is maintaining self-fulfilment while providing a role as an emotional provider (a rock), reacting appropriately to my emotions, exhibiting self-control and having the confidence to stand up for myself when I want to, not only when I need to. Now you will likely have a different view on masculinity, but regardless of your standpoint, ask further ‘is this view hurtful to me or others around me?’, if so, rethink and rebrand because you don’t want to bear the toxicity. It only puts you and others down. Once you have a good grounding of what masculinity is to you, you can judge whether the environment is making you a better or more toxic man in the only persons eyes who are truly important. Your own.
It’s important to note that I don’t always follow this; no one is expected to be their ideal of masculinity, nor should you feel a requirement to suppress emotions, nobody is judging you except yourself and although we all have different experiences, we all share the same feelings. If one of your friends were struggling and they opened up to you, would you judge them? Of course not, in fact I would say it would bring you together. So why is it any different when you struggle?
Now expressing emotion is particularly difficult within toxic environments, so taking a close friend aside and talking about how you feel would be beneficial to both of you, differentiating right from wrong. Something someone else has done may have made you uncomfortable, and it likely did the same for others in that situation. So talk about it with a trusted support network. They are probably thinking the same thing.
Most importantly, stand against what you think is wrong. ‘Lad culture’ and those who practice it are responsible for many crimes, and even more distress. If you see something that is wrong, taking a step back and letting people know why what they’re doing is immoral is necessary to create the environment you want to be in. Everyone else involved is thinking the same thing and must live with the fact that they didn’t intervene to prevent something inherently wrong from happening. On the other hand, if you are receiving this advice from peers, you have likely let the group motivation take over, and that self-fulfilling toxicity in. Take a step back, a snapshot of yourself, know that other people are saying these things to stabilise you, and meet it with thanks, not anger.
---- Luca Bertuzzi, Sports Liaison Officer
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