TW: Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts
Living with depression is really, bloody hard. That’s it. That could be the article. Depression is exhausting- absolutely exhausting, and it’s even more exhausting and draining if you spend time with people who don’t understand you. For me, the worst thing about depression is the constant feeling of loneliness that never leaves you and follows you everywhere. It’s like having a raincloud constantly hanging over your head. You could be in a room full of people – people you love and feel safe around, people who you know care about you – but you could feel so alone and feel like you just don’t want to exist anymore. You can’t enjoy anything in life anymore and the world just seems to continue and life goes on whilst you’re living alone down a dark hole. You stop being able to see the point in living anymore and it all feels too hard. You either feel nothing or you feel everything and that is SO frustrating-because you’re either massively up, or massively down. That’s something I don’t think we hear enough about – the physical impact that depression has on your body. Sometimes when I tell people I’m tired, I want to say, “But I’m depression tired”, because I’ve actually had a good sleep, but it’s my depression that is making me this lethargic and drained. But I find that I have to be so careful who I open up to about my depressive episodes, because it can only make me more depressed if I open up to people who don’t understand.
My depression makes me such a nocturnal being. I literally know that staying up til 3, 4, or even sometimes 5am is not good for me or my sleep pattern, but it is the only time I feel truly calm and relaxed, and like no one will bother me, so doing something so unhealthy, actually brings me so much pleasure. As a student, of course, this makes studying, productivity and concentration 100x harder. It’s also irritating that, because I am so nocturnal, that I spend the morning/afternoon not being productive at all, and am only able to get my uni work done at night, which is another contributing factor as to why my sleep pattern and habits can be so bad. Depression and depressive episodes can make small, short tasks feel massively overwhelming and like I am being asked to move mountains, which can result in either not doing them and not caring at all, or finding that I am in floods of tears and everything is just too much. Sometimes, it can genuinely take an hour for me to pluck up the energy to move from the sofa to the kitchen to be able to get myself a drink. But because I am so depressed, I end up staying on the sofa longer and feeling hungry or dehydrated longer, because that feels more inviting than the thought of having to talk 10 paces into the kitchen. That is how big of an issue depression is in my life – it eats away at it. It’s even a struggle to put clothes on and not stay sitting around in my underwear all day.
From my experience, my depression has also affected my self-esteem massively. I cannot tell you how mentally draining it is feeling like any compliment you receive is a lie, especially if you happen to be someone who is battling severe anxiety as well as severe depression or just any level of depression. Depression is really nasty to you. It can tell you really horrible things. Mine has made make me believe I don’t have anything to offer to the world, I’m ugly, I’d be better off dead. It makes me believe every day that I’d rather be dead than alive and that everything would be much easier if I was just never born and that I will never be good enough.
On a more uplifting note, since changing therapist and starting medication for the first time only a matter of a week ago, I can slowly but surely feel myself starting to feel better and enjoy the things I used to once love all over again, and I am beginning to see colour in the world again. With the right support, you can get somewhere and your life really will start to change. You are not alone.
Depression is a really complex mental illness. If you love, live with, work for or care for someone with depression, please be patient and kind towards them, and read up on how to support them – go out of your way to learn how to help them, rather than tell them you don’t know how or say things that will make it worse for the person suffering. Instagram has some fantastic mental health accounts that in very short, snappy bursts can give you really helpful insights into supporting someone who is struggling – mentalhealth.orq is great. Depression is sometimes visible, yes, but remember, that the person who always looks very well put together and happy can often be the one struggling or burning out the most. But regardless of anyone’s background or experiences, remember, with anyone you come into contact with in life… be kind.
---- Anonymous
