TW: Mental illness, anxiety, depression.
Mental health problems can cause issues in relationships, mostly related to miscommunication or misunderstanding. It can be really hard to talk about your struggles, especially if it feels like your partner doesn’t get it or has never experienced something similar. Here’s some tried and tested tips for initiating conversations about mental illness with a partner.
(1) First things first, remove the sense of obligation
No matter how committed you are to a partner, or how long you have been together, you do not owe anybody your life story. Nobody is entitled to your feelings or your medical history. If you’re feeling pressured to justify yourself or relive any trauma in an attempt to explain, that’s probably a sign that your partner is not going understand or respect your mental illness.
(2) Talk when you’re ready
On a similar note, only have these conversations when you feel ready and comfortable. There’s no exact timeline for this – it may be on the third date or the third year. Once you get over that feeling of ‘if I tell them, I’ll scare them away’, it will be a lot easier to share.
(3) Try to explain things in a simple way, without frustration
When you’re used to dealing with something day in and day out, it can be frustrating when you have to explain it to someone and they don’t immediately get it. Try to step back and see if from their perspective. Explain things in neutral terms and ask if they have any questions. If you’re struggling to explain, maybe direct them to a healthcare website that they can read over themselves.
(4) Put it into context
Try to avoid just abstractly explaining what you’re are struggling with but instead explain how it might impact your relationship. If you know you tend to isolate yourself when the going gets tough, tell them that so that when it happens, they know it’s not personal. Be clear about whether you want space or support in those situations. Point out things that they can do to help, or things that are not so helpful. Do you want them to be a shoulder to cry on or give you the tough love speech?
(5) Remember that they’re not a mind reader
No matter how many conversations you have with your partner, they are never going to gain the ability to read your mind. After a while it may seem like they can, as they’ll notice the little things and identify the trends, but they still aren’t a mind reader. If you don’t tell your partner something explicitly, assume that they don’t know it. This is especially important if you’re in a long-distance relationship!
(6) Know when to apologise and when to not
Apologise when you lash out or upset your partner. Don’t apologise for struggling. You are not an inconvenience or a burden. Would you expect a loved one to apologise for having anxiety or depression or another mental illness? No, so don’t fall into the trap of apologising for simply existing.
(7) Acknowledge their feelings too
Even when the conversation is about you and your struggles, your partner will have feelings too. They may feel concerned, or confused, or upset that you are struggling. Ask them how they are feeling about everything and reassure them that you can be there for each other.
(8) Don’t mistake your partner for a therapist
Your partner should be able to support you but you shouldn’t expect them to treat you. Don’t rely on them as your only source of happiness or stability. If your partner is particularly good at supporting you, it can be easy to abandon all of your individual tactics and coping strategies – don’t do this! Keep seeking help from professionals, keep taking your meds, keep looking after yourself. Don’t put yourself in the position where you’d fall apart entirely if the relationship came to an end.
Useful Resources
---- Allana Bennison, Head of Welfare
