TW: suicide, self-harm.
This week, I’ve decided to give an honest perspective on what a bad day looks like, for someone with BPD. I love talking about the positives of recovery, but sometimes bad days happen. It’s been a while since I’ve written something for OTB, for many reasons, mainly due to a few bad days. I wish this wasn’t the case, but unfortunately sometimes intrusive thoughts set in, emotions run high and the only way out (at least you think) is to just end it all.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had a bad episode. And if you know anyone with BPD or have it yourself, you’ll be familiar with the manic highs and extreme lows. Before, I was a lot worse, I could lie in bed and sleep for a week. I could go without eating, speaking, or doing anything for hours, caught up in my brain with no end. But when I was at my worst, I had panic attacks. Horrible shakes, uncontrollable wailing and often this would result in some sort of self-harm. Why? Because emotional pain on an extreme level sucks, and physical pain and recklessness is often employed as a coping mechanism. It’s not easy. Even now as I type this, I’m in tears, but I know that I am not as bad as I used to be and now, I can be honest about how I feel without worrying about what others may think.
There are two types of triggers for BPD episodes, physical and emotional, these can vary in lengths. Sometimes they can last a few hours, but sometimes they last days. Physical triggers are easier to overcome, so let’s start there. If you’re tired, feeling unwell, in pain or feeling any sort of physical discomfort, it could set off an episode. What some perceive as ‘little things’, like not getting enough sleep, is critical when you have BPD. I know there are times I’ve felt incredibly emotional because I’ve felt exhausted or sometimes even because I’ve been sweaty in bed with flu: just the sweat would set me off. Anything can throw us down the rabbit hole and praying a meteor would crash through our ceiling and end our suffering. But physical triggers are manageable. Be strict with yourself and get into a good routine. Sleep at least 8 hours a night (whatever you do don’t oversleep because that’ll suck too), eat three meals a day: good healthy ones! It’s not commonly known but eating lots of junk food can increase the intensity and negative impact of an episode. I’m not an expert with exact science, but it has something to do with good gut bacteria.
As cliché as it sounds, healthy body, healthy mind really works. Get out of bed when you feel bad and do at least 40 minutes of exercise a day. When you have intense emotions finding healthy ways to channel them and ‘take them out’ on something, not yourselves and loved ones, is important. When you start, mark out time in your calendar to eat and exercise. Have a meal plan for the week so you’re prepared. And if you do get sick, remember to eat, drink plenty of water and get a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible. It’s easy to get agitated in times of physical discomfort but staying disciplined is key to success. And if you’re really low, distance yourself from people until you feel ready to be social and talk, there is no shame in focusing on you, as long as you explain what’s happening.
The emotional side of things is harder, and this is what I struggle with the most. Keeping good physical health helps with the emotions, but in times of crisis when emotions are extreme, things can get dark. Emotional triggers can vary from stressful situations, instinctual emotions, and perception.
This week for example, has offered a wide range of emotional triggers including uncomfortable conversations and the resurfacing of fears and insecurities. Sometimes there is no external reason for an emotion to surface, a lot of the time people with BPD overthink many, many scenarios either from the past or present which can cause unpleasant emotions to surface. I hate to admit this, but if I’ve had a bad dream, I can sit in that emotional state for hours thinking whatever I dreamt had some meaning, because emotions feel incredibly real when you have BPD. I haven’t fully gotten the hang of dealing with emotional triggers, but I know it gets easier. If you’re supporting someone with BPD, be aware that little things can be triggering. A common issue many with BPD face is trust issues in all relationships, but mostly romantic. This stems from the fear of abandonment and not knowing how to cope with feeling invalidated. On many occasions the negative emotions faced by those who have BPD can be linked to fear of rejection, insecurity and not feeling good enough.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has trust issues, for example, and you have a friend who crosses lines, then this may be incredibly triggering for your partner. Respect is crucial, sis, so please remember to be clear on your values. What do you expect in a relationship (keep them realistic) and equally what do you think is important you do in a relationship? It’s crucial to always keep communication open and honest. If you feel a certain way, express it without taking it out on the other person. Remain detached from the thought and feeling and describe the situation, to avoid ‘BPD mode’. Now don’t get me wrong, I used to be shit at this. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I would get so angry and upset if a situation made me feel insecure. I recall so many pointless arguments because I didn’t know how to get my point across without getting accusational and controlling, because I felt invalidated. There were times I was right; one girl was your stereotypical homewrecker. Sometimes though, I was completely wrong. But by taking out my emotions on someone I loved, I made the situation worse. Be honest and remain calm and factual. Describe what the problem is, explain how it makes you feel and always use “I”, not “you”.
For example, if you had a similar situation to me, don’t say “you should block her” or “you’re being disrespectful”; that’s accusational and confrontational. Instead, bring the onus back to yourself by saying “I feel like she’s disrespectful the relationship” and “I feel like there are clearer boundaries which could be set”. Then, together (key word is together) find a solution, and remember compromise isn’t a loss. Splitting, which is incredibly common for those of us with BPD, forces us to think in black and white, which is why compromise isn’t usually part of our vocabulary. Remember, there are multiple answers to a question, not just two.
Suicidal thoughts are too common in times of crisis, and yes when we feel awful, we don’t believe anything will get better or anything will solve and stop our emotions. I’ll admit, sometimes even now, I go back to the way I used to think and wonder if the only way to escape the pain I feel is to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Having these intense emotions constantly is exhausting, and it’s frustrating when you realise that the pain you feel is often due to your perception of situations, because we tend to think the worst and in extremes. But I promise you, if you’re honest with yourself and others around you and stay disciplined, there will be more sunny days than rainy ones.
Sometimes, even remembering the bad days is helpful to see just how far you’ve come. Last year, I used to curl up into a ball and hide from any sort of stress, I wouldn’t be able to deal with turmoil without a set of intense emotions followed by a sense of doom. I used to allow people to take me for a ride because I was so afraid of what they could do, but at the same time I would take out my anxiety on those who stood by me and loved me in my times of need. But looking back at the shit-show that was second year, I am so proud to see how far I’ve come and to recognise bad traits within myself to get better. Life is full of lessons if you’re willing to learn.
Next time I will talk more in depth about problem solving and managing an episode. If you have ever felt like harming yourself then please reach out to It Happens Here.
---- Tasha Hardaker, President
