TW: Discussions of BPD.
Do you hate seeing other people having fun whilst you’re at home, sitting in bed, doing nothing? Does it feel worse when your friends and loved ones are out, without you? Welcome to the wonderful feeling of abandonment. I’ve come to recognise that when I start writing a blog, it’s when I’m going through the topic and as much as this seems like an incredibly jumpy, messy escapade (it is to an extent), it makes my writing and advice more authentic. So, I’ve decided to roll with the punches and write as I go through recovery.
This week, I wanted to talk about FOMO. Everyone, with or without BPD, has suffered from FOMO, whether that be because you wanted to go to an awesome party and make memories (or lack of) or because you wanted to be there when your friends did something silly so you could be in on the joke. We all do it. But, when you have BPD, FOMO is a constant narrative that plays in our minds and this if for many reasons which I wanted to break down today. But before I make things complicated, the bottom-line is FOMO stems from the fear of abandonment, which is core fear for people who have BPD.
Imagine, your SO is at a party, they’re drinking. This is normal, right? Well in theory yes, but when you have BPD, if you’re not there you question why you weren’t invited. I used to do this, but now I see the value of living an independent life and having my own space, as well as a healthy relationship that doesn’t make me feel insecure. You don’t need to be there all the time and it’s okay to do other things with other people. 9/10 there is no malice behind people’s actions, it’s just our perception that makes things scary.
Now imagine your SO isn’t texting you, they’re busy enjoying themselves. What do you do and how do you feel? Well, if you have BPD, I can tell you now you’re sitting all alone checking your phone and waiting for a notification so you feel like you’re still important. If they don’t have time for me now, then they’re obviously not interested in me at all, and they don’t love me anymore and. Now breathe.
You see what happens? Something as small as drinks with friends can become an anxiety inducing, black-and-white-thinking mess. This is not really talked about by people who have BPD, because we know that if we come across as clingy and co-dependent, it scares people away (at least, you eventually learn this after a series of breakups and diagnosis). It’s this fear that we can come across as ‘being BPD’ that stops conversation about symptoms. This is damaging because if we don’t healthily discuss feelings, we tend to bottle things up and explode later. If you really struggle with the idea that people are doing things without you, go and do something. Make plans with other people and go and live your best life, the last thing you should do is mope and sit in a stagnant state of depression. There’s nothing wrong with consciously making plans if you know something is happening without you, because it shows you’re aware of your fears and behaviours, and you want to change them. Feelings are intense and real and heightened for us. It doesn’t matter how small the situation is to others, we feel pain on a whole new level.
If we’re not included, it brings up many fears. I’ve mentioned fear that we’re being abandoned, additionally we feel insecure and anxious. So, let’s say, you’re okay with being left out, you’re independent and you’re following all the advice above, that’s great. But suddenly, an intrusive thought slips into your mind… THEY’RE CHEATING ON ME RIGHT NOW.
Yeah, I know, we pulled that from thin air, but that’s the way anxiety works for people who have BPD. My article on problem solving will be helpful when these intrusive thoughts creep in, so if you haven’t read that, then please give it a go, if you’d like. In our minds, if we are not present at all times, we are giving our SO a chance to meet someone else, betray us and run away (remember what I said about trust issues).
But, sweetie, we need to calm down. Remember to breathe, assess and problem solve. The likelihood of you being cheated is probably 0.0001%, so once you’re calmed, go and do something! Stay off your phone, stop worrying and ground yourself by doing something, whether that’s baking, running, or watching TV.
Previously I experienced FOMO in my toxic relation, at 00:32am on a Sunday. Instead of freaking out and calling 1000 times, texting way too many messages or being blunt and agitated, I am writing this article and really focusing on the advice I’m giving you all, as well as the way the keys sound and feel under my fingertips. It’s hard, I know it’s hard, but the more you sit there and dwell, procrastinate and stop doing you, the worse the FOMO will feel. At the same time, there will be some people that trigger your insecurities and make you feel bad for having them, using BPD as a stick to punish you. If you ever feel like this then the relationship, whether is romantic or a friendship is not right for you. As long as you do not act tyrannically and hurt other people whilst you have insecurities, it’s okay to have them especially when you’ve gone through all the motions and accepted that their valid. The above example I gave, was a legitimate insecurity and when I openly talked and explained by thought process, I wasn’t exactly met by a response from someone who cared.
Insecurity stems from the idea that you’re not good enough to be there or you’re not really wanted. Before today, I ended up having a panic attack because I thought that I had really upset a group of people and that I lost them as friends and that they secretly hated me and blah blah blah more ‘BPD mode’ thoughts. But it’s not true. People are entitled to live their lives independently. I know that we feel abandoned 24/7 when people live without us, but you have yourself, and that’s the most important person to pick you up when you’re down. You have a right to live your life independently and to the fullest. Learning to be independent and enjoy your own company is difficult and tiring when you have BPD, because we rely on other people to make us feel like we’re enough. But recognising that you have FOMO is the first step to overcoming crippling BPD symptoms, so if you’ve gotten this far, I promise you can do it. I’m going to talk about character development and independence next time.
I hope this helps, but if you take anything away from this post, take away this: communication is key. It’s really scary when you find yourself talking about a symptom with a loved one because you’re afraid that they’ll suddenly think ‘you’re still toxic, so I’m leaving you.’ But if you don’t say anything, you’ll end up hurting more and resenting your partner or friends. They probably won’t end up thinking this, but if they do, they don’t see your worth at all. I get incredibly upset when I still feel like I am not good enough people yet, or I haven’t made progress and they still think I’m as bad as I used to be. But I know that if I continue to think like that, I’m still seeking external validation and living to people please, which is not what I or anyone with BPD should be doing. Validate yourself! When you’ve made progress tell yourself you’ve made progress, reward yourself in some way whether that’s by eating your favourite snack or watching an entire season of Sex Education (the latter is the best option IMO). I’ve gone off track yet again but that’s incredibly important to remember, love yourself.
Now when you talk about a symptom to a loved one, never come across as controlling. I understand your pain and I understand you don’t mean to be controlling, but we do have to recognise that some of our behaviours are incredibly unhealthy and take a toll on other people. Don’t stop anyone from going out and seeing people without you and don’t make people feel guilty for wanting to. I’d say if you really struggle, keep busy and make your own fun and exciting plans. You should still mention you get upset when you’re not included because you deem it abandonment. And that’s okay, it’s okay to feel like that, if, you recognise and learn how to control it.
It’s not abandonment to do your own thing, it just means when you’re together again, it’s incredibly special. You might consider coming up with a solution together, maybe you’d like it if your partner texts you a couple times when they’re out, maybe there are certain times where you would like to be included. Discuss everything in a calm, non-accusatory manner and you’ll find a compromise where both people are happy. I used to be afraid to bring these up in past relationships with people who didn’t really care if I had a legitimate insecurity. I recognise that some of my insecurities in the past have been a figment of past trauma and I expressed them in an unhealthy way but having learnt a lot in recovery I know that some of my insecurities are completely normal.
When people are out there having a good time, the last thing we want to be doing is texting some long ass paragraph explaining that right now I think they’re excluding me but it’s okay because it’s just BPD. Sometimes my trust issues bring up incredibly intrusive thoughts in my head, but when they do I continue to check myself and change my thought pattern. Stay disciplined and conscious and you will succeed.
---- Tasha Hardaker, President
