TW: Discussions of BPD, mental health, gaslighting, .
Hey everyone! I hope you’re having a lovely first few weeks back. I just wanted to say a massive thank you to all the messages I’ve been sent, thank you for your support and it's lovely to know I am helping. A topic which came up in a few conversations with people was the stereotypical ‘psycho partner’ trope, that so many of us with BPD are labelled with. Yes, sometimes we can act out in bad ways, but the more we recognise and hold ourselves accountable, the more we are able to love and communicate in healthy ways. This got me thinking about myself and whether I was still as bad as I used to be and if I was still loving those around me in unhealthy ways.
A lot of realisations happen during recovery. As you know I love to be honest with you and discuss where I went wrong and fully take responsibility for my actions when I was in ‘BPD mode’ and reacted badly. I am always honest with myself, and you, so I can give the best possible advice and give examples of what bad reactions look like. But, for the first time in my life, you’ll be happy to know, it’s not always our fault. Introducing you to my new favourite line, it’s not me, it’s you.
I just got out of a relationship (yes, the one from my previous articles) and it’s only after reflecting with people around me, that I realised my BPD became a weapon to manipulate me and avoid his introspection. As you know, I have held myself accountable for faults I exhibited in my previous relationships, of all natures, so the idea that I was in the right this time was a rather shocking revelation I didn’t believe at first. Having done research, it’s incredibly common that people with BPD end up in relationships after diagnosis that are manipulative, exploiting their diagnosis. After diagnosis, others can use BPD as an excuse for their wrong doings and a chance to victimise themselves in a situation where it was incredibly valid for someone with BPD to feel that way, or conversate about a certain issue.
It’s sad to know there are people who seek to gain through gaslighting, as much as I was aware of the concept, but the danger of gaslighting is that you are completely unaware that it’s happening. When I was first diagnosed and my ex got in contact with me, we had a long conversation about my previous behaviours in the relationship, so I could learn from my mistakes and recognise where I had gone wrong. However, when I sought the same opportunity to communicate where I felt he had gone wrong, I was met with excuses and comments about how I had been worse, so it wasn’t the same, or that I was still ‘acting BPD’. It’s healthy for us to understand where we have previously gone wrong, but something I didn’t realise until now, is that others can be wrong too; others can hurt us as much as we can hurt them.
Today I am sharing my truth so you can fully realise whether you are in the wrong or if you are being gaslit, because as much as I know that I can be in the wrong, there are times where I am completely valid in my thoughts and fears. I didn’t realise how badly this was affecting me until it was too late, but I am happy I now recognise when I surround myself with people who want to exploit and blame me for their own issues. If you perceive your feelings as valid and you are still not being heard, talk to a third party about it and remember to give as much context as you can. It’s because I learnt how to detach myself from my intense emotions that I was able to communicate with those around me; understanding that the things I was feeling were not ‘BPD’, but actually logical.
So, let’s start shall we. It’s the day before university is set to begin, I am incredibly excited to smash my final year and I get a text in the morning. Low and behold it’s a breakup followed by a block. Yes, that’s right, before I could even react, let alone respond I was blocked. Now my ex knows I have BPD and knows that doing stuff like this is incredibly toxic for me. At first, I thought hey, he’s being a good person here. I later realised that ending an 11-month relationship over text, let alone making sure to silence someone after is not okay. Yes, I am in control of my emotions and yes, I am better at responding to them, but I still have an incredibly hyperbolic temperament, so it means that things such as the above hurt like hell. If this wasn’t enough of a blow, I was blocked on everything and thrown away, again. I thank myself and my therapist every day for my recovery because if it wasn’t for my journey this summer, I would have blamed myself straight away and accepted his actions as justifiable, and yes maybe for a couple of hours I did. But having assessed my actions this time round, in conjunction with the facts, I am incredibly proud to admit that I was not the problem, and I now understand that so many of us feel like we are always the problem. Because this is not always the case, we need to make sure that we are fully aware of the validity in our thoughts, feelings and responses which can be learnt through therapy and practise.
If someone uses your diagnosis as an excuse for arguments without looking in on themselves… RUN. Having written articles on damage control and studying DBT, I was pretty good at healthy communication and had been given feedback of improvement by multiple people who had witnessed how bad I once was. I remember text conversations where I fully used DBT principles, ensuring I consider the meaning behind every message sent and their resultant consequences to make sure that I wasn’t going into ‘BPD mode’. It’s this ability to slowly and logically work through intense emotions that creates such healthy communication. Despite this, I was met with responses like ‘you’re intense’ and ‘my ADHD means I can’t text you when I’m out clubbing for 6 hours’. I was made to feel completely invalidated and stupid because I had insecurities which are incredibly normal and not unique to those of us that have BPD. I was manipulated into thinking that I wasn’t allowed to ask for healthy communication or answers to worries I had. Instead, I was made to feel as though my BPD was the core reasoning behind our problems, I hadn’t recovered, and I hid actions were dismissed as an overly intense ‘BPD reaction’.
I knew this time round I wasn’t happy or in a healthy situation when I started feeling like I did before. But I genuinely thought that I was just ‘being BPD’. It’s such a common trope for people with BPD to be painted as the psychotic lover and that is incredibly damaging. Just because your partner has BPD does not give you the right to compare them to Joe from ‘You’ to your friends, victimising yourself and ignoring your own wrongdoings. Entrapment goes both ways, but you don’t know what side of the glass cage you are on.
I hate to say this, but because we love deeply and unconditionally, we’re vulnerable to manipulation, I didn’t see this before, but I am so glad I do now.
If you have tried to educate your loved ones on BPD whilst also ensuring you continue to grow and act in a healthy way, you are doing a great job! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is an unrealistic expectation for us to be completely ‘normal’, even after recovery, and it is even more unrealistic to expect anyone to have no insecurities. We all do. You and I both know because we love deeply, we hold onto anything we can to feel that love. Sometimes that can be unhealthy, but sometimes it’s normal. Imagine someone saying to you ‘for now’ they can’t be with you, ‘for now’ they need to be left alone, ‘for now’ they can’t love you. The confusion a ‘normal’ person would feel would be incomprehensible; imagine how much you would sit there and ask, ‘what if?’ and wait for the moment were ‘for now’ turns into ‘now I can love you’. Now imagine how much stronger that would be felt by someone with BPD… exactly.
Looking back at things that were said and done, I know that my intense emotions and pain were used as a source of entertainment. What I once thought was a cute and harmless attempt to love me, I now realise to be a narcissistic and twisted game. To sit there and stalk someone’s Spotify listening history during a breakup, to only reach out when you can see them listening to happy music and moving on, is a red flag to say the least. Knowing that you have caused someone immense pain and played mind games whilst keeping them under your spell is manipulative. Allowing someone to question every emotion and thought because you cannot hold yourself accountable is emotional abuse. Going a step further and convincing someone they have narcissistic personality disorder, telling someone you’d rather kill yourself than be with them and refuse to apologise for the pain you caused makes you a bad person. It doesn’t matter what someone with BPD has done, if you actively hurt someone, your behaviour is despicable. Using someone’s mental health as an excuse for your own short falls is disgusting, BPD or not.
Previously, our emotions may have stemmed from fears and past traumas which were used as evidence in a new and unrelated situation. Sometimes we were aware that our feelings did not correlate to the facts, but that doesn’t mean your fears can’t manifest from the facts of a situation now. Always assess where your feelings are coming from and never be afraid to communicate this with others.
I felt unlovable, lost and distraught. I thought healthy relationships would never be achievable and I would remain the toxic entity for the rest of my life. Oh, how the tables have turned. It is now I realise; you don’t have low mood episodes in healthy relationships. You do not feel insecure and unloved when someone loves you truthfully. You certainly are allowed to feel pain and upset over situations. Remember what I said about assessing thoughts - always ask YOURSELF whether a feeling is based on fact, never allow anyone else to add to your whirlwind thoughts until you have gone through the necessary steps to make sure you don’t fall into an episode. Sometimes, we are not the problem, and, in these situations, we need to fully assess what’s going on, whilst detaching from our intense emotions; learning when to walk away, even if it hurts.
What’s not talked about amongst the BPD community is what happens when we are in the right, so here it is. You can be in the right, you can be healthy, you can have healthy communication and honesty in a relationship, it’s not too much to ask its less than bare minimum shit. You can be happy, and you can overcome your BPD inherited instincts, and have a ‘normal’ life. BPD is not an excuse to cause suffering to yourself or anyone else, you know that by now. At the same time, it’s not an excuse to allow anyone to manipulate you. You have the power to control your reactions and flourish, sometimes all you need to do is look within yourself and realise ‘I am good enough and I am okay’.
Yours, forever feeling empowered,
Tasha Hardaker – President
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